


Take The Pain

by awolfling (AtrophicGalaxy)



Series: Holding Onto You [2]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Depression, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sexual Content, fibromyalgia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-01-31 13:03:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 34,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12682452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtrophicGalaxy/pseuds/awolfling
Summary: When you have a chronic illness you find out two things: Who really loves you and how strong you really areJosh is surrounded by relics of his old life, trapped in a body that causes him nothing but grief. A slow corrosion of his identity. Sometimes Tyler is the only thing keeping Josh going. But things get so much harder when their safe little bubble gets popped and the world is let in.





	1. Prologue

_When you have a chronic illness you find out two things:  
Who really loves you and how strong you really are_  
-Unknown

 

Josh sits on the closed lid of the toilet, elbows on knees and head cradled in his hands. The harsh light overhead creeps between his fingers and stings his eyes. He feels heavy, gravity working differently on him and trying to drag him into the fiery depths of the earth. Sharp aches pierce every joint, making moving just as much agony as staying still. The muscles in Josh’s neck are steel rods that work into his shoulders and back with alarming pressure. His head is so sore that Josh’s eyes start to leak, not tears - Josh is numb inside - just a physical reaction to the overload his body is currently experiencing.

Josh knows he has to get up, go back outside where people are waiting for him, but he can’t move. This small, too bright, stark bathroom has become his refuge. At least in here there is no noise, he doesn’t have to deal with the grating hum of people talking. No one is asking him questions. He can’t hear the rustle of people moving, breathing, existing.

In this self imposed solitary confinement he is not being sapped of energy by other people. He doesn’t have to pretend. He can let his body sag and list like it desperately wants to. He doesn’t have to paste on a smile and hope that his eyes aren’t dead. He can sigh and grimace and groan and wince. He doesn’t do that in front of anyone, he can’t. He doesn’t know how to be that vulnerable, that honest. 

In this little box he’s in, Josh has a moment of freedom to feel all the pain that’s been trying to suffocate him. He can turn the valve just a little, release the enormous pressure that’s been building up inside of him. A long, bodily sigh that deflates his body. His cracking edges can come back together and he can try and glue them closed, even if it’s only a temporary fix.

The sharp bite of his pain has faded enough that Josh’s emotions start crawling back. The first to appear is fear. How the hell is he going to go back out there, into the world? How can he face the things that make his pain worse when he’s already at breaking point? Anxiety ties his stomach in knots. This is his life now, pain and fear of pain. Fear of life really. He’s not even 30 yet, how is he going to survive the rest of his life like this? Every aspect of his life has been affected by this illness, there is no place or time that he gets a break from the pain or fatigue.

Josh takes a deep breath before despair sets in. All he has to do is focus on now. And now he has to leave the relative safety of the bathroom and go back out into the world. Tyler will be looking for him soon. Josh stands and allows himself one last groan as his ankles and knees protest. He casts a critical eye over himself in the mirror. The dark circles under his eyes are a permanent feature, but today they are darker, deeper. His mouth turns down and his eyebrows pull together. He’s going to have frown lines when he’s older, rather than laugh lines. Josh smooths out his face. He looks grey. 

Josh closes his eyes and takes another fortifying breath. He can do this. He can go out and engage and maybe even enjoy himself despite the pain. Later he will feel again. But for now he pushes everything back down and puts on his mask. Josh opens his eyes and sees that his veneer holds. 

Josh opens the door and steps back out into the world.


	2. Chapter 2

_“Well for me, something that’s changed over time is our song Holding Onto You.”_

Josh doesn’t usually watch their interviews back, but this one is different. This is the one where he bared his soul without thinking.

_“There’s a line in the first verse that goes, ‘I used to think flesh was all I got, not anymore, flesh out the door’ “_

Josh can’t stop thinking about how drained and tired he looked. He didn’t think it was so obvious until he watched this interview. It’s all there on his face.

_”And I mean, I think what Tyler was saying when he wrote it, it was about finding something more than flesh, than the physical world, finding something spiritually or emotionally, something like that._

Josh is watching Tyler now, he stared at Josh so intently, his hands twitched towards Josh’s more than once. Josh hadn’t been aware of much while he was giving the interview, his feelings had taken over and he just blabbed. Josh wonders how Tyler copes with putting his feelings into lyrics and showing the world. Josh exposed himself once and he feels sick to his stomach.

_But lately it’s taken on the opposite meaning for me, that I used to be able to rely on my body but now I can’t, not anymore, the one thing I had is gone,”_

And there it is, the moment Josh revealed so much of himself. He watches Tyler’s face fall as realisation dawns on him. Josh in the video has his mouth in a half grimace and his eyes look just a little wet before he pulls himself back together.

When the interview came out the fandom erupted into chaos. The fans immediately started to theorize why Josh said he can’t rely on his body. Two popular theories emerge; one that Josh has cancer or some other terminal illness and is dying, and the other that Josh is extremely depressed and suicidal. Josh finds himself once again doubting his illness. If his honest expression about how he feels elicits those two extreme theories then maybe he’s over-reacting. Josh’s life is not in danger either way and feels like a fraud for feeling so bad about his current situation. 

Josh whispers his fears to Tyler after a show when they are curled up together in a hotel bed and Josh’s whole body feels jittery and achy. Josh has always had more courage in the dark. 

Tyler pulls Josh closer and says, “This is a serious and life-changing illness. How you feel about it, that’s ok, you’re allowed.”

It’s not that Josh doesn’t believe Tyler, it’s not that he doesn’t think fibromyalgia is serious, it’s that he never feels like he’s doing enough. Before he got sick Josh was always looking to improve his drumming ability, always planning new and exciting ways to perform with Tyler. Now Josh is dialing everything back to the bare minimum and it’s still almost too much for him. Josh has never wanted to settle, he’s never been the guy who says “that will do”, he’s the guy who asks, “what’s next, how can I do better, how can I be better?”

Better. Josh hates that word now. Josh will never get better from his illness.

Josh never feels like he’s reaching his full potential now. So much of his time and energy goes into just trying to exist he barely has anything left for anything else. 

Josh knows all of this, sees the way this illness has taken his life from him, not killing him, but leaving behind a ghost nonetheless. And still the voice in Josh’s mind whispers, _”what if?”_ What if it isn’t that bad? What if he’s just weak? What does pain even mean anyway? Josh doesn’t know how to fight that voice.

+

The hysteria in the fandom doesn’t die down. The fans start putting together videos of Josh, documenting the proof of Josh’s illness. The video of his fall off the drum platform is used as the main proof, as well as the previous show when Josh had a migraine on-stage and Tyler all but carried him off. But the fans wouldn’t be their fans if they didn’t go deeper. They find footage from shows where Josh grimaces from pain, they find interviews where Josh fidgets because he’s too sore to sit still, they see all the times Josh checks out, his mind going blank as he’s clearly trying to figure out what the hell is going on. A part of Josh finds it morbidly funny; fibromyalgia is called an invisible illness, but the fans have found all of Josh’s tells already. 

It doesn’t take long for Josh’s family to starting asking him what’s going on. He gets messages and phone calls from all of his siblings and his mom, even his dad messages him and his dad normally leaves the communicating to his mom.

Josh and Tyler are backstage with a couple of hours still to go before they go on. They’re on a couch together, Tyler lying with his head in Josh’s lap, Josh idly playing with Tyler’s hair when Josh says, “I’m going to have to tell my family I’m sick.”

Tyler hums his agreement then asks, “Why haven’t you told them yet?”

Josh takes a breath to speak but doesn’t say anything, ashamed of what he was thinking.

“Say it,” Tyler says gently, “I’m not going to judge you.”

“I’m scared they won’t believe me but also…” Josh looks away.

Tylar waits patiently for Josh to gather his thoughts and speak again.

“I don’t want to have to comfort them,” Josh admits reluctantly.

“What do you mean?” Tyler asks, reaching next to his head and squeezing Josh’s knee.

“If they believe me, if they understands what this means, then they, especially my mom, they’re going to be sad, and I’m going to have to comfort them. I’m going to have to make them feel better about me being sick, and I’m too tired,” Josh explains, feeling worse saying it out loud.

Tyler frowns.

“It’s selfish, I know,” Josh says.

“It’s not,” Tyler says, sitting up so he can look Josh in the eyes, “I just realised I probably do that to you sometimes, make you comfort me, and I’m sorry.”

“No, you don’t,” Josh says immediately. 

“I do though,” Tyler insists, “I tell you how bad I feel that you’re sick and how hopeless I feel that I can’t help you, and you’re always there for me, you always tell me how much you appreciate me and you make me feel better.”

“Because it’s true,” Josh says, scratching at the back of his neck. 

“And I’m really glad that you feel that way, but it doesn’t change the fact that you were still comforting me about your illness,” Tyler says earnestly, “and I’m still sorry.”

“Tyler,” Josh says with a frustrated sigh. He doesn’t begrudge Tyler anything, and all this conversation has done is make Josh feel more like a bad person. First he complains that his family might care about him, then he makes Tyler feel bad for expressing his valid and caring feelings about having a boyfriend as sick as Josh.

“I just need to shut up,” Josh says, angry with himself.

“Why?” Tyler asks.

“Because I just sound like such an asshole,” Josh says, his hands balling into fists, “I can’t say what I’m feeling right.”

“Can you try to explain? I’d like to understand,” Tyler says and he’s being so patient with Josh that Josh just feels worse. He doesn’t deserve it.

“Yeah, ok,” Josh sighs, relenting for Tyler’s sake. He scrubs a hand over his face, “It’s like, I don’t want to have unequal relationships with people, I don’t want to be the one who needs all the time and takes all the time. I want to give back what I get. But at the same time I feel so damn depleted that I feel like I can’t give anyone anything.”

Josh pauses and looks at Tyler. Tyler nods at him to continue.

“I worry all the time that I’m not keeping up my side of the relationship, but then I also just,” Josh has to take a breath, “I end up so angry sometimes when people want something from me, because I’m so empty. And I don’t want to be empty, I don’t want anyone to know that I’m empty. So I just keep giving, even when it hurts me. I don’t want to let anyone down.”

Tyler give a short laugh and Josh feels his stomach drop.

“Sorry, it’s just, Josh, you have just described exactly how caring and kind you are, while thinking it makes you an asshole,” Tyler says with a smile.

Josh shakes his head.

“Listen,” Tyler says, taking Josh’s hand in his, “You just told me how even when you’re feeling your lowest, you’re still thinking about other people and how you can help them.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Josh says, trying to tug his hand away from Tyler’s, but Tyler keeps holding on.

“But it is what’s true,” Tyler says, “And it’s ok to be angry.”

Josh makes a face.

“It is,” Tyler insists, “What you go through, I can’t even imagine it. Every day you show me what true strength is. But I do understand being angry with people wanting stuff from you when you feel like you have nothing left. And unlike me, you never show it. You keep it to yourself and no one knows. Not even I can tell.”

Josh looks down. He doesn’t know how to respond to that. He squeezes Tyler’s hand and Tyler squeezes back.

“Would it help if I came with you to tell your family?” Tyler asks.

“They don’t even know we’re together,” Josh says. It’s another thing he feels guilty about.

“That’s something else we need to sort out, but not now,” Tyler says. They’ve both been reluctant to let anyone know, afraid of not being accepted and all the attention their relationship will receive.

“I really appreciate your offer, but I think I need to do this alone,” Josh says.

“Whatever you need, babe,” Tyler says.

Josh leans forward and gives Tyler a peck on the lips. He knows he’s the luckiest person alive to have Tyler. Sometimes he doesn’t know how Tyler puts up with him and all the issues he has. But Josh is so glad that Tyler does.


	3. Chapter 3

The rumours about Josh get so out of control that he and Tyler get a call from the bigwigs at the label about it. Tyler and Josh both assure them that Josh doesn’t have cancer, nor is he suicidal, and they seem accept that but still schedule a meeting with them in the next week to talk about how they are going to handle the rumours that just aren’t going away. Josh resigns himself to the fact that he’s going to have to tell them about his illness.

“I’m so sorry I ever said anything,” Josh says to Tyler.

“It’s ok,” Tyler responds but they both know it isn’t. They chose to sign with the label because of the freedom they were afforded by them. They’ve never had any kind of emergency or damage control meetings before. They’ve never had any kind of scandal or major upset. Until now.

Over the next few days Josh is a bundle of nerves and Tyler is quieter than normal. Josh knows the signs of Tyler being stressed and it only adds to his anxiety. He knows that Tyler is just as worried about the meeting as he is, and that Tyler has every right to be, but it doesn’t stop Josh from feeling a little abandoned. He knows that’s his anxiety playing tricks on him, Tyler has never been anything but supportive of him. The guilt is harder to battle. They wouldn’t have been summoned to LA if Josh had kept his mouth shut, if he hadn’t been so dramatic about his feelings, if he hadn’t been sick in the first place.

Josh barely sleeps for days and his pain skyrockets. He spends a lot of time alone because being around people is too hard, but he also gets really lonely. Josh tries to connect with Tyler but Tyler stays closed off and Josh keeps his suffering to himself because he doesn’t want to put any extra burden on Tyler.

They play a show the night before they have to fly out to LA. Josh has to pump himself full of painkillers and coffee to even be able to make it on stage and even then he doesn’t get much relief. Before they walk on Josh hugs Tyler close and Tyler hugs him back and for a few seconds Josh feels connected again. It doesn’t help his pain but it does help his mood. Josh feels lighter.

“Hey, if you could spend a little bit more time talking tonight between songs, that would be great,” Josh says.

“Yeah sure,” Tyler says, “Are you gonna be ok to do this?”

“Yes,” Josh answers quickly before he has time to really think about the question. Not being able to play is not an option for Josh, no matter how bad he feels. “I just need a little bit of extra time to rest between songs and I’ll be fine.”

“Ok,” Tyler says, eyeing Josh with concern.

And then they are parting ways and going to their sides of the stage and Josh has to gather all of his strength.

Playing is a never-ending stream of agony. Josh’s whole body burns with the effort. Josh can’t play as hard, his muscles are just too weak and he’s aware of how different the songs sound.

“How’re you all doing tonight?” Tyler asks the crowd and Josh has never been more pleased to stop drumming. His arms feel like lead weights.

“We’re so happy to be here tonight,” Tyler carries on. Josh can barely hear Tyler over his own panting. They’re only two songs in and he feels as exhausted as he normally does at the end of the show. His heart beats so hard and so fast that it’s painful.

“I’m gonna talk a bit more tonight if that’s ok with you guys?” Tyler pauses as the crowd erupts into screams, “Josh asked me if I would cause he’s a little tired tonight.”

Josh feels cold. He never wants the fans to think he’s weak. To think he’s not giving his best.

“Tyler,” Josh says warningly into his mic that only Tyler can hear.

Tyler laughs then says, “Sorry. Josh just told me off for telling you guys that.”

There are more screams from the crowd.

“The thing is,” Tyler continues, “Even when we’re tired, you guys keep us going. You guys make it all worth it, and give us the energy we need to keep going. So thank you.”

Josh bites his lip. He can’t stay angry at Tyler after that, not when he’s echoed what goes through Josh’s mind every time he feels like he’s too tired or sore to play.

“I hope that you guys stick around,” Tyler says, “And I hope that we make it worth it for you guys to stay.”

It’s something they both worry about, the fans losing interest. They’re both afraid that one day they’ll step out on stage and no one will be there. Josh knows his illness puts them in danger of that happening. If they can’t put on the same high energy, passionate show that they used to, then what’s to keep the fans sticking around? Josh has been to many concerts in his time where the band on stage were just phoning their performance in. Doing their show by rote without any passion or verve. It’s disappointing as a fan and offensive as a musician for Josh when it happens. Josh has never wanted to see those bands play again. Now Josh can’t perform at the same level he used to and it kills him.

Josh cues the next song and a lot of the rest of the show is a blur to him. Tyler does his best to give Josh as many long breaks as possible and Josh is endlessly grateful. He couldn’t have made it through the show without them.

Josh isn’t sure how he gets to the end of the show but he does. His muscles scream and his skin feels raw and his brain feels inside out as they walk off stage.

“You ok?” Tyler asks backstage.

Josh just shakes his head. Normally he’d just say yes no matter how bad he felt, but he can’t muster up the energy to lie.

“Come on, let’s get you lying down,” Tyler says in that controlled voice he gets when Josh is scaring him.

Tyler guides Josh to the green room and Josh is well aware of the looks he’s getting from the crew, their friends. He’s going to have to tell them too, the full extent of his illness. They all know Josh has been getting migraines, and if they suspect anything more they’ve been keeping it to themselves, but Josh knows he’s reached a tipping point. Trying to hide his illness from everyone is taking up precious energy that he needs to survive.

Josh sits down on the couch in the green room. The fabric of the couch rubs against his arm and a wave of nausea hits him. He gags and panics. Josh pulls his arms into himself so that he doesn’t touch bare skin on the couch.

“Josh?” Tyler asks.

“Sorry,” Josh says. He still feels like he might vomit. Josh closes his eyes and wraps his arms around himself, trying to curl into a ball.. 

Josh has experienced an intense overwhelming of sensations before but never this bad. He knows now that it’s sensory overload. His brain, his nervous system has been put under too much strain and now every sense is amplified. He knows that it’s causing a chain reaction in his brain, his stress hormones are blasting like crazy and it’s upping his anxiety and setting his nerves on fire.

Tyler places his hand lightly on Josh’s back and Josh shudders, another wave of sensation crashing over him. Josh squeezes his arms around himself and it helps.

“Sorry,” Josh says again, “Everything is just too much right now. I feel like my brain is going to explode.”

“What can I do?” Tyler asks, already moving his hand to Josh’s neck to find the pressure points there that help Josh when he has a headache. Tyler finds the points with practiced ease and it helps anchor Josh.

“Harder,” Josh says, his hands balled into fists and his nails biting into his palms.

Tyler follows Josh’s instruction and presses as hard as he can. At first the pain blinds Josh, and then comes a wash of relief. His muscles in his neck and back start to untense and the rising panic he was feeling recedes. He still feels jittery and sensitive, but more in control.

“Thank you,” Josh says and Tyler takes that as his cue to let go of Josh’s neck.

“I wish there was more I could do to help you,” Tyler says sadly. Josh doesn’t voice his feeling that he wishes the was more Tyler could do too.

“The couch is too rough,” Josh says, “It’s making me feel sick.”

“Let’s get you somewhere softer then,” Tyler says, sounding more confident now that he can propose a plan, “Shower and then sleep? We’ve got six hours until we have to get up to catch our flight.”

“Dunno if I can stand long enough to shower,” Josh admits, shame corroding him.

“I’ll help you,” Tyler says gently, “We can shower together.”

Josh nods miserably.

+

The warm steady beat that the shower rains down on him goes a long way to helping Josh feel better. The regular pressure soothes Josh and calms his mind. Josh has to lean on Tyler a lot, exhaustion making his body weak.

Tyler washes Josh with his hands because the texture of the wash cloth threatened to make Josh vomit. Tyler’s hands are smooth and loving as they spread soap over Josh’s body. Tyler turns it into a light massage and Josh melts into Tyler’s touch. Josh closes his eyes and rests his forehead on Tyler’s shoulder. Tyler does a thorough job, even making sure his soapy fingers get to Josh’s bum and his penis. Josh is surprised by how normal it feels and wonders if sleep deprivation has killed his ability to feel embarrassed.

“Let’s rinse off,” Tyler says, guiding Josh further into the spray.

Josh makes the effort to stand upright and make sure he washes all the soap off. Tyler makes quick work of washing himself and Josh can’t help but notice that Tyler is hard. 

“What can I say? You’re just too hot,” Tyler says, catching Josh staring.

Josh is acutely aware that his own penis is completely flaccid. 

“I’m sorry,” Josh says. Sex is the last thing on his mind right now and even the gorgeous sight of Tyler naked, wet and hard cannot stir anything inside him.

“Don’t be,” Tyler gives Josh a reassuring smile, “I know how tired you are. I don’t expect anything.”

Josh nods, glad that Tyler gets it.

“I am gonna have to take care of this though,” Tyler says a little sheepishly, “You can stay or not, I don’t mind.”

“Why don’t I dry off while you…” Josh trails off, feeling shy.

Tyler just nods and Josh gets out of the shower on shaky legs. Josh wraps a soft fluffy towel around himself, grateful that the texture doesn’t bother him too much. He sits down on the closed seat of the toilet, not having the energy to dry himself off and get dressed.

Tyler jerks off quickly and efficiently. He doesn’t put on a show. Josh should be taking notes on what Tyler likes to use to his advantage the next time, but all he can focus on is that his incredibly sexy, absolutely gorgeous boyfriend is jerking off in front of him and Josh feels almost nothing. Intellectually he knows what he’s seeing is beyond attractive, but his body remains unmoved. He knows it’s exhaustion and pain, but it doesn’t stop him from feeling dysfunctional and lacking.

Tyler looks up and locks eyes with Josh. Tyler comes with choked out gasp, screwing his eyes shut and his mouth falling open, his beautiful pink lips plump and shiny. Tyler leans against the shower wall for a short while, panting. Josh watches as the flush on Tyler’s chest lessens and his dick starts to go limp. Maybe when Josh isn’t feeling so terrible he’ll be able to remember this and enjoy it more.

Tyler washes off and turns off the taps. He steps out of the shower looking loose and relaxed. It makes Josh a little jealous. Tyler helps Josh dry off, giving Josh sweet kisses and touching Josh like he’s something precious. Josh’s hurt pride and insecurities quiet down somewhat under Tyler’s attentiveness. 

“It was hot having you watch me,” Tyler whispers.

“I’m glad,” Josh says, feeling a little less bad about not participating.

They both dress in clean clothes. Josh’s are soft and old and familiar and his skin doesn’t revolt at the touch of them.

“I love you,” Tyler says, giving Josh another quick kiss, “Let’s get some sleep.”

“Love you too,” Josh responds, the mention of sleep reminding him of how tired he is.

Despite the looming meeting the next day, Josh thinks he might actually get some sleep tonight.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been purposefully keeping the timeline of this story vague because I don't want to have to stick to real life events (or get caught up doing so much research that I don't have time to write!) For clarity's sake I feel I should say when I do imagine this story happening... I see it as happening now, as if they haven't gone on hiatus yet and kept touring Blurryface.
> 
> Also thank you to everyone who has commented so far, you guys keep me going!

Josh sleeps for five hours and while it’s more sleep than he’s gotten in one go in a week, Josh wakes up feeling absolutely terrible. Getting up is a monumental task and the dread he feels about the meeting with the label doesn’t help matters.

The flight to LA is short and tense. Josh can tell that Tyler is nervous too. They don’t talk during the flight and Josh is kind of happy about that because he wouldn’t know what to say. Apologise to Tyler again? It wouldn’t do any good. Josh rehearses the meeting in his head. He runs through every permutation of what could happen today, preparing himself for each one.

As the plane starts to make its descent, Tyler reaches over and slips his hand into Josh’s. 

“I support you no matter what,” Tyler says quietly. 

Josh can’t find his voice so he squeezes Tyler’s hand and Tyler shoots him a small smile and squeezes back.

+

The offices are overly modern and soulless. Chrome and glass are the main aesthetics and there is sculpture in the foyer that’s the kind of ugly and pointless art that people who don’t like art enjoy. They are ushered to a conference room by an assistant. The walls in the corridor are lined with posters of album covers. They pass Vessel and Blurryface and they both share a small smile. It’s still a big deal to them that they made it this far; two studio albums, sold out tours. They are living their dream. Josh just hopes that the dream isn’t about to be taken away from him

They’re offered something to drink by the assistant and Josh asks for coffee just because it’s something to do. Tyler gets a glass of water and Josh wonders if Tyler’s mouth is dry from nerves like his own is but Josh doesn’t get a chance to ask because Daniel, who they met when they signed with the label, and a woman they’ve never met come into the room. Daniel is in his late forties, tall and going soft around the middle with black hair and a short beard. The woman is a thirty-something brunette in a stylish power suit. 

“Gentlemen,” Daniel says as both Tyler and Josh stand to shake his hands, “This is Rebecca, a public relations specialist that we’ve called in to handle this situation.”

Anxiety threatens to take Josh over and he has to breathe deeply to maintain his shaky control. Tyler shakes Rebecca’s hand first, making all the normal pleasantries and then she turns to Josh.

“Mr Dun,” Rebecca holds out her hand and Josh takes it on autopilot.

“Nice to meet you,” Josh says, not at all meaning it.

“You look pale, if you don’t mind me saying, are you well?” Rebecca asks with a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.

“I’m fine, thanks,” Josh lies.

Daniel motions for them to sit and he and Rebecca take seats on the other side of the too big conference table. It seems a powerplay to Josh, having the meeting in this room made for much larger parties, seating them on opposite sides. Josh glances at Tyler and can see on his face that Tyler is thinking the same thing; the slight furrow between Tyler’s brows, the terseness of his mouth.

“So Josh,” Daniel starts, “You did an interview a few weeks ago that caused quite a stir. I know how crazy fans can be, I’m sure this has all been blown out of proportion. So let’s get this over with.”

Daniel laughs humorlessly. He doesn’t seem invested in the meeting at all.

“I actually have the interview queued up so we can take a look,” Rebecca says, brandishing a remote control and pointing at a screen on the far wall.

“That won’t be necessary,” Josh butts in, “I know what I said.”

“Yes, but do you understand the impact of your words?” Rebecca says with a condescending tilt of her head. 

“I do,” Josh says, suddenly feeling strangely calm, “Actually before we go any further, there’s something I’d like to disclose.”

Josh is aware of Tyler shifting in his seat. Rebecca looks displeased but Daniel nods for him to continue.

“I have an illness called Fibromyalgia, it’s a central nervous system disorder that causes extreme pain and fatigue, among other things,” Josh says, feeling removed from his own body.

Josh hasn’t said the word Fibromyalgia out loud many times. The word feels strange in his mouth, too big and cumbersome. A curse, but also a word that gave him such clarity and even peace to know that he wasn’t crazy, just sick.

“I see,” Daniel says, his face carefully blank, “I assume you know about this, Tyler?”

“Of course,” Tyler says with a firm nod.

“It’s that that Lady Gaga thing?” Rebecca asks, pulling out her phone and typing something on it.

“I’m sorry?” Josh asks, confused.

“Yes,” Rebecca says jiggling her phone from side to side to make her point, “Lady Gaga has Fibromyalgia. It features quite heavily in her documentary.”

“Hmm Lady Gaga,” Daniel says, stroking his beard, “We could use this.”

“Right,” Rebecca seems to jump to attention, “It’s a big story, we could get a lot of airtime with this.”

“No,” Josh says, but Rebecca and Daniel don’t seem to hear him.

“You think we could get them onto some of the bigger talk shows, get them into the mainstream media?” Daniel asks.

“Absolutely!” Rebecca replies, “We could do an exclusive with say, People, and then do the talkshow circuit. If we play this right we could get weeks of coverage.”

“Ok, hold on,” Tyler says, thumping his hand on the table to get their attention.

Both Daniel and Rebecca look at Tyler like they had forgotten he was in the room.

“We’re not doing any of that,” Tyler says, “Right Josh?”

“No,” Josh says, his earlier calm draining out of him and leaving behind exhaustion and hollowness, “I want to keep this private.”

“Be reasonable, Josh,” Daniel says with a frown.

“Mr Dun, this could raise your profile in a big way, especially after Lady Gaga’s reveal,” Rebecca chimes in.

Josh feels sick. He can feel his pulse in his neck throbbing.

“I’m not a news story,” Josh says.

“Josh-” Daniel starts, but Tyler interrupts him.

“That’s our final answer. If Josh isn’t comfortable with it, it’s not happening,” Tyler says, staring Daniel down, “Our personal lives aren’t a selling point. Whatever we reveal is on our terms, and not for publicity. Ever.”

Josh could kiss Tyler.

Daniel keeps eye contact with Tyler for what feels like an eternity.

“Fine,” Daniel relents, “I think it’s a mistake, but fine.”

Rebecca has a sour look on her face.

“Rebecca,” Daniel says with sigh, “What’s our next step on containing the rumours then?”

“Well,” Rebecca huffs, “We could issue a statement denying the rumours.”

“That’s just going to make it look suspicious,” Josh says, “We don’t issue statements.”

“I agree,” Tyler says.

“What do you suggest then?” Rebecca snaps.

“I’ve thought a lot about this, normally we just ignore rumours, but since this isn’t going away I think I should post something on Instagram and Twitter, thanking the fans for their concern but telling them I’m fine. It’s more personal that way,” Josh explains.

“That could work,” Rebecca says begrudgingly.

“Great,” Daniel says clapping his hands once to signal the end of the meeting, “That’s that then.”

Daniel stands up and Rebecca follows looking furious. Josh and Tyler stand too. Josh’s coffee and Tyler’s water remain untouched.

“You boys keep rocking,” Daniel says, shaking their hands.

Josh notices that Tyler can’t keep a look of distaste off his face and almost laughs.

Rebecca shakes their hands next.

“If you’re set on keeping this a secret then you could do with some media training to make sure you don’t slip up again,” Rebecca says.

“I’ll be fine, thank you,” Josh replies flatly.

“And maybe look into a makeup artist to do your face for you so you don’t look so…” Rebecca looks Josh up and down distastefully, “Sick all the time.”

With that Rebecca and Daniel leave. Josh feels shellshocked, unable to truly process what just happened. Rebecca’s insults don’t even take first place for contributing to the weirdness that Josh feels. All the times Josh had imagined telling people about his illness, all the reactions he had expected, complete apathy hadn’t made the list and he doesn’t know how to feel about it. Josh leaves the conference room feeling depleted and diminished.

The assistant from earlier takes them back downstairs and shows them to the car where the label’s driver is waiting. He drives them to Josh’s place as had been previously arranged. Josh and Tyler exchange several looks on the way but don’t say anything while they can be overheard.

By the time they get inside Josh feels dead on his feet. Every muscle in his body is stiff and achy, his head pounds, his nerves are shot and he feels like he could sleep for a week.

“Can you believe that?!” Tyler says the second the door is closed, “They order us down here for that stupid meeting, Daniel didn’t even care what it was about! And that woman!”

Josh winces at Tyler’s too loud voice.

“Yeah,” Josh says, “She hated me by the end of that.”

“It was all such bullshit!” Tyler throws his hands in the air.

“Yeah,” Josh says quietly. He agrees with Tyler, he really does, but he doesn’t have the energy to emote. It’s like his feelings have been switched off.

“I’m sorry, are you ok?” Tyler says, realising that Josh is struggling.

“I’m too tired for anything right now,” Josh says. He can feel his body curling in on itself like he’s not entirely a part of it.

“You wanna try have a nap?” Tyler asks.

“Maybe,” Josh says, unable to even make that simple decision.

“I think you should,” Tyler says, “We can talk about this when you wake up.”

Josh nods and shuffles through to the bedroom, Tyler trailing behind him. Josh undresses down to his t-shirt and underwear and climbs into bed. It’s been too long since he slept in his own comfortable bed with his soft linen and familiar smells. Josh rubs his feet into the sheets, finally finding a sensation that doesn’t irritate him. Josh sighs.

+

Josh’s thumbs hover over his phone as he tries to think of what to write. He and Tyler’s are sitting in bed together, Tyler leaning his head on Josh’s shoulder so he can see the phone. It had taken a while for Josh to choose a picture. He and Tyler both agreed that posting a picture of Josh looking happy and healthy was a good idea, but Josh hadn’t counted on how hard it would be to find a recent picture that fit that description. Rebecca’s words repeat in his head on a nasty loop.

Josh scrolled through his camera roll getting more and more disheartened. There were very few recent pictures of him at all, and the ones he did have ripped away at his self-esteem. Josh looked exhausted in most of them, the dark rings under his eyes a constant feature. The further he went back the more he realised how much weight he’d gained since getting sick. He’d been thin, muscled, lean before. Some of the muscle tone was gone now and while he wasn’t big, he could clearly see the difference. Visual proof of his body no longer being under his control.

Every time Josh dismissed a picture Tyler would say “But you looked good in that!” to the point that Josh stopped trusting Tyler’s opinion altogether. In the end they found a picture on Tyler’s phone that Josh thought was ok. Tyler had taken it one morning in a hotel after he and Josh had been fooling around in bed. The flush in Josh’s face hid the fatigue and his eyes were bright and happy.

The whole exercise left Josh with a hole in his chest, feeling ugly and worthless. If Tyler hadn’t been right next to him Josh might have given into tears, but Josh didn’t want to let Tyler know how hard it had been on him. He felt stupid for being so affected and he knew the lack of sleep and stress from the meeting were making things worse.

“I don’t want to lie to them,” Josh says, still staring at the screen of his phone, “I can’t just say I’m fine.”

“Well you can say that you don’t have cancer and you’re not suicidal, right?” Tyler responds.

“Yeah,” Josh agrees. He feels Tyler take a long breath and let it out slowly.

Josh starts typing.

”Hey guys, we don’t normally address rumours, but this one got a little out of hand. I don’t have cancer and I’m not suicidal. I’m really touched by how much you all care. Thank you for that, but don’t worry about me.”

“Is that lame?” Josh asks Tyler.

“Nah, it’s cool,” Tyler says.

“Should I add more?” Josh says, thumb above the share button.

“Do you want to? Is there anything else you want to say?” Tyler asks.

“Yeah, prolly not,” Josh says.

“Prolly,” Tyler echoes him.

Josh adds an ‘x’ at the end of his message and presses share. He looks at the picture again now that it’s posted. His lips are a little kiss swollen and his pupils dilated. When was the last time he and Tyler _really_ got intimate? It had been a little while. But then it’s also a while since Josh truly felt sexual at all. He’s been in too much pain.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How else are you gonna celebrate Tyler's birthday if not with Joshler smut!?

For once morning treats Josh with kindness. He wakes with minimal pain and he doesn’t immediately want to go back to sleep. This bed holds good memories for Josh and Tyler, many of their happiest moments happened here. For Josh it represents safety and comfort and love. Stolen moments backstage and on the bus are exciting, but Josh prefers the when he can Tyler can take their time. No pressure to finish quickly, no fear that they might get caught, less stress on his body. Being on the bus for so long has taken its toll on Josh. Here in his home Josh can relax fully. It’s quieter than the bus; the only noise is what he and Tyler make. His bed is significantly more comfortable than the bunk on the bus, and his sheets soft. His home only smells of himself and Tyler.

And Tyler is wrapped around him, warm and soft and making the most adorable snuffling sound where his face is pushed into Josh’s neck. Josh wants to stay here in the sanctuary of his bed with Tyler forever. But they have to fly back this afternoon for a show tonight.

Josh puts the thought out of his mind for the time being. He just wants to enjoy the moment of peace and solitude he has with Tyler. Josh places his hand over Tyler’s where it’s resting on Josh’s stomach. He and Tyler haven’t been able to share a bed in a while and it hasn’t done Josh any good. Real, meaningful connection and affection is vital to Josh’s sense of wellbeing and between their touring schedule and their decision to keep their relationship secret Josh and Tyler haven’t had much quality time together. Just sleeping wrapped up in each other all night has made Josh feel lighter. The meeting yesterday feels like an unpleasant but distant memory.

Tyler shifts and makes small sound. Josh knows it means Tyler is waking up. Josh runs his fingers over the back on Tyler’s hand, tracing light patterns on Tyler’s skin. Tyler flexes his fingers, pressing into Josh’s stomach, then hugs Josh closer.

“Morning,” Josh whispers.

“Mmmf,” Tyler replies, rubbing his forehead between Josh’s shoulders.

Josh huffs a small laugh and smiles. It always takes Tyler a while to wake up fully. For Josh waking up is like turning on a light; he’s alert immediately. Tyler is normally groggy and sleepy at first.

“Hey,” Tyler croaks, lips brushing Josh’s back as he speaks. The touch is soft and incidental but Josh’s skin tingles.

“I missed this,” Josh says.

“Mmm, same,” Tyler hums his reply. 

Tyler pet’s Josh’s stomach, scritching with his fingertips. Josh lets out a happy sigh and leans back into Tyler. Minutes pass and Josh feels his body relaxing inch by inch as Tyler lazily strokes his stomach. Josh sighs contentedly.

“I love you,” Josh says, feeling his heart swell. All he really needs in this world is Tyler. Lying together in this bed with him is the best Josh has felt in as long as he can remember. Tyler’s touch soothes something in his brain that has been buzzing for weeks.

“Love you too,” Tyler replies, then presses a kiss to Josh’s neck.

Instinctively Josh tilts his head to give Tyler more space. Tyler takes the invitation and leaves long kisses up and down Josh’s neck and onto his shoulder. Josh feels a bolt of electricity travel down his spine and heat start to pool in his belly. It comes as a relief, that zing of arousal that Josh hasn’t felt keenly in a while. Josh knew the pain and exhaustion was playing havoc with his libido and he had been keeping the worry at bay but he hadn’t fully realised how much he’d missed this. Being connected with Tyler, feeling things in his body other than pain.

Tyler worries Josh’s earlobe with his teeth and Josh sucks in a small breath. Tyler’s hand is still on Josh’s stomach, lower now and playing with the waistband on Josh’s underwear. Josh reaches back, needing to touch. He puts his hand on Tyler’s thigh, thumbs the smooth skin and sparse hair - sparser than Josh’s legs at any rate. Josh is familiar enough with Tyler’s body that he’s sure he’s touching the tattoo of his name. His tattoo. A little thrill takes him over, making him shiver.

Tyler lets go of his ear and Josh takes the opportunity to spin around. Tyler is all flushed cheeks and hooded eyes. Josh kisses Tyler with everything he has, pouring all his love and passion and adoration into it. Tyler surges into the kiss, his hands going to Josh’s back and digging in, keeping Josh close. Josh runs a hand up and down Tyler’s side, relearning Tyler’s edges for the hundredth time. Josh traces Tyler’s hip bone with his thumb, caresses the soft flesh of his side, slots his fingers between Tyler’s ribs.

Tyler pulls away from the kiss with a moan.

“Josh,” Tyler says, already a little breathless.

“Tyler,” Josh smiles. Tyler’s lips are red and shiny and Josh did that.

“Can I blow you?” Tyler asks.

Josh’s brain goes offline as his stomach does a flip and his body starts chanting ‘yes’.

“If you wanna,” Josh replies, gathering himself. He and Tyler haven’t had the time nor the space to experiment much. They haven’t done more than handjobs and rubbing off on each other, and as much as Josh wants this, he also wants Tyler to be comfortable.

“Oh, I definitely want to,” Tyler smirks and pushes Josh’s shoulder until he’s lying on his back, “I’ve been wanting to do this for a really long time.”

Josh’s breath catches in his throat as Tyler flings the covers back and climbs on top of him. Tyler leans down and starts kissing Josh’s chest, mixing teeth and tongue and leaving Josh’s head spinning. Tyler flicks his tongue over Josh’s left nipple and Josh’s hands go to Tyler’s shoulders, needing something to hold onto. Tyler moves to Josh’s other nipple, sucking at it, giving Josh a teaser of what’s to come. 

Josh’s hips buck, impeded by Tyler stradling him. It’s only then that Josh notices how hard he is, the lack of contact making him hiss.

“Don’t worry, I’m getting there,” Tyler says before licking his way down Josh’s stomach.

Tyler takes great joy in teasing Josh, mapping out Josh’s abs with his tongue. Josh would complain but it feels too good. Tyler has the most amazing ability to make Josh want to be in his body. He spends so much time wishing he didn’t have one, shying away from sensory activities lest they cause him pain. Then Tyler comes along and makes Josh’s body sing, reminds him that not all sensation is pain.

Tyler reaches Josh’s boxer-briefs and slips his fingers underneath the waistband.

“You ready?” Tyler says, looking up at Josh.

“Yeah,” Josh grunts, heart thudding and goosebumps forming on his arms.

Josh lifts his hips and Tyler tugs down his underwear, freeing them from Josh’s feet and tossing them on the floor. Josh takes an audible breath and looks at Josh’s erection licking his lips. It’s a sight Josh hopes he never forgets.

It feels like the world is in slow motion as Tyler settles himself between Josh’s legs and dips his head. The first touch of Tyler’s tongue has Josh struggling not to buck up into Tyler’s face.

“Just… try and keep still,” Tyler says, grabbing Josh’s hips and pinning them down, “I’ve never done this before.”

“I know, I will,” Josh says gently, placing his hands over Tyler’s.

Tyler looks up with soft eyes and Josh falls in love all over again.

Then Tyler is looking down again, lowering his head and Josh squeezes his hands around Tyler’s in anticipation.

Tyler licks Josh again, this time with more confidence. Josh keeps still, barely breathing. Tyler’s tongue is wet and warm and teasing. Josh’s cock twitches and Tyler makes a happy surprised sound through his nose. Josh doesn’t get any warning before Tyler is sliding his lips over the head of Josh’s cock. Tyler has to hold Josh’s hips down for a moment as Josh strains into Tyler’s mouth. When Josh relaxes, Tyler shifts so that he can get one hand at the base of Josh’s cock, his elbow over Josh’s leg, pinning him down.

Tyler goes slow, switching between sucking and licking, squeezing Josh’s cock with his hand or holding him loosely, getting used to everything. Josh tries to remain still, his knuckles white as he makes fists. The constant change in sensation and tempo has his head spinning.

It doesn’t take too long before Tyler finds a technique he’s comfortable with. He sucks Josh for a bit, not very deep, and then circles the head of Josh’s cock with his tongue. Tyler keeps a firm grip on the base of Josh’s cock now, finding his control. 

Josh breaths heavily, feeling overloaded in the best way. His stomach and legs tense, keeping himself still. Tyler’s rhythm isn’t steady, there’s too much spit running down Josh’s dick onto Tyler’s hand and Josh desperately wants to move his hips but can’t, and he couldn’t imagine a better blowjob.

“So good, baby boy,” Josh says.

Tyler moans around Josh’s dick, the vibrations zinging through Josh like a lightning strike. Josh feels that rush of pressure that precedes an orgasm.

“Gonna come,” Josh groans, trying to hold back so that he doesn’t come in Tyler’s mouth without warning.

Tyler gives Josh one last powerful suck before popping off and using his hand to jerk Josh off. In seconds Josh is coming, his vision going white while his body jerks once or twice and Tyler’s milks him through it. Josh takes great heaving breaths and Tyler’s hand starts to gentle, loosely moving up and down as Josh’s cock twitches. Josh feels tired and wrung out, but pleasantly so.

“Sorry I didn’t swallow,” Tyler says, “Maybe next time.”

Josh opens his eyes to see Tyler staring at the semen on his chest and stomach with some interest.

“Tyler, I really don’t care if you swallow or not, that was amazing,” Josh says, reaching out for Tyler.

Tyler scoots up the bed and lets Josh’s arms envelop him, lying half on top of Josh, heedless of the semen between them.

“Really?” Tyler asks, searching Josh’s face.

“It was so good, baby,” Josh assures Tyler.

Tyler tries to hide his smile and fails dismally, colour high in his cheeks and glowing at the praise.

“It was hard at first, you felt so big in my mouth,” Tyler says, fidgeting against Josh.

Josh can feel how hard Tyler is, straining against the confines of his boxer-briefs. The fabric is soaking wet with pre-cum. 

“Did you like it?” Josh asks, slipping his hand down the back of Tyler’s underwear to cup his ass.

“Yeah,” Tyler says, pushing back into Josh’s hand, “It was hot.”

Josh fondles Tyler’s ass, letting his fingers dip inwards. Another first they haven’t had yet, or even discussed really. 

“You were so good, it felt incredible,” Josh carries on, “What did you like most?”

Tyler lets out a shuddering breath and rolls his hips, rubbing against Josh.

“Uh- uh- the feel of you straining against me,” Tyler says, trying to focus, “Loved making you come like that.”

If Josh was younger he might be up for a second round hearing Tyler say that. He goes warm all over. Josh squeezes Tyler’s ass and Tyler whines.

“Is this ok?” Josh asks.

“Need more, need you to touch me,” Tyler says, burying his face in Josh’s neck.

Josh starts to move his hand around to the front of Tyler’s boxer-briefs but Tyler interrupts him.

“No,” Tyler says, “Touch me there.”

It dawns on Josh what Tyler is asking for and Josh’s dick gives a valiant twitch.

Josh slips his hand back to Tyler’s ass, runs his fingers up and down Tyler’s crack before going deeper. His fingers find Tyler’s hole and Josh rubs his index and middle finger over it. Tyler groans and Josh feels it through his own body.

“Don’t have any lube,” Josh says.

“S’fine,” Tyler hisses, “Just keep doing that.”

Josh does as requested, rubbing in a circular motion, feeling the resistance of Tyler’s muscles. Tyler pants into Josh’s neck and seems torn between pushing back into Josh’s fingers and rubbing his cock against Josh. 

Josh brings his other hand up to cup Tyler through his underwear and smiles when Tyler moans. Josh does his best to jack Tyler off through the cotton barrier. He keeps his fingers circling Tyler, fascinated by the soft wrinkly skin and the way Tyler enjoys his touch. 

Tyler keeps making soft “uh” sounds, sprawled across Josh and occupying his every sense. Josh can smell the new sweat on Tyler’s body, feel the way he trembles. Tyler’s muscles relax fractionally and Josh is able to dip a finger in further. He tightens his hand around Tyler’s cock and that’s all Tyler needs to be pushed over the edge..

Josh can feel Tyler’s open mouth and hot breath against his neck and Tyler moans. Tyler’s dick jerks and his body shudders. But what Josh loves most is the way he can feel Tyler’s orgasm with his fingers, the contracting muscles coinciding with every twitch of Tyler’s cock.

Josh is left panting right along with Tyler. His whole body is sensitized. He’s only half hard, even though he feels like he should be ready to go.

Tyler relaxes against Josh, utterly spent. Josh pulls his hand out of Tyler’s underwear and rests it on Tyler’s hip. They rest like that for a while, happy in their silence. Josh’s body starts to calm down and his cock softens. Tyler absentmindedly runs his fingers over Josh’s side, lightly trailing his fingernails over Josh’s skin.

Josh is thinking he might fall asleep when Tyler speaks.

“Jees, am I hurting you?” Tyler says.

“What?” Josh frowns, confused.

“Look at your side,” Tyler says, picking up his hand so Josh can see.

There are red welts where Tyler had been scratching Josh, although scratching wasn’t what it felt like.

“That’s weird,” Josh says, poking the welts, “It doesn’t hurt, just feels a little warm, sensitive.”

“I’m sorry,” Tyler says.

“Don’t be, it feels fine,” Josh replies, “It’s weird though.”

“Yeah,” Tyler says, “Your sensitive body.”

Josh hums in agreement, still staring at the welts.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big big thank you to KitchenSink_IV for beta reading this chapter!

Josh and Tyler shower together, taking their time under the spray, both reluctant to step back into reality. Tyler keeps checking Josh’s side even though the welts are starting to fade. Josh pulls Tyler in close and kisses him soundly, touched by Tyler’s concern. It’s hard for Josh to communicate how he’s feeling sometimes, when he tries to explain his pain or his other symptoms it feels flat to him. ‘ _I’m in a lot of pain_ ’ stops meaning anything after a while and hearing Tyler say, ‘ _I’m sorry, I wish I could do something_ ’ is starting to break Josh’s heart. But having Tyler gently run his fingers over Josh’s skin like he’s a delicate piece of art, afraid to damage but unable to resist, that means more to Josh than words could ever. Josh trusts Tyler’s hands.

As they dress Josh finds himself increasingly tired. Whatever energy he woke up with has already been used. He doesn’t want to leave his home, he doesn’t want to have to get on yet another plane, he doesn’t want to rush to the venue and much to his shame, Josh doesn’t want to play a show tonight. The brief respite he had this morning only makes him less keen to push himself. For once he doesn’t feel like he’s at breaking point, and he’s not eager to put himself back in that place. It kills him that doing the thing he loves is having such a negative effect on him and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

The red welts on Josh’s side fade by the time he’s gotten dressed but Tyler keeps lifting his shirt to check and Josh’s heart does a happy little clench every time Tyler does that. Josh doesn’t talk about his pain that much for so many reasons. Sometimes he’s just too tired to voice it, other times he doesn’t want to dwell on it anymore than he has to and talking about it gives it airtime. Josh is also acutely aware of the fact that no one likes a complainer. Josh never wants to be a problem for anyone. But it can leave Josh feeling isolated, trapped inside the hell of his body and with nobody even noticing, not even Tyler. Having Tyler show his care, without Josh having to tell him how he’s feeling helps relieve Josh’s burden a little. 

Over breakfast Josh checks his social media and instantly regrets it. His post about being fine has caused another frenzy. There are a lot of kind messages waiting for him, but the fans who thought Josh was sick are being lambasted by the rest, being called crazy and rude and accused of invading Josh’s privacy. Josh’s heart sinks and his appetite flees. He never wanted that to happen, and he feels especially guilty about it since there is something wrong with him, even if it’s not what the fans thought it was.

Josh wonders if he made the right decision in denying the rumours rather than telling the truth. He’s never wanted to be disingenuous. One of the things that sets their band apart from a lot of others is that their fans can trust them, they don’t play games with the media or allow publicists to make up lies about them to boost their profiles. But then he remembers how Rebecca wanted to exploit his illness and Josh strengthens his resolve. If there is one thing that Josh is sure of, it’s that he won’t turn his private life into a circus. Following Rebecca’s plan would have been more disingenuous, despite being the truth, than keeping his illness a secret. 

Josh and Tyler pack their bags and get ready to go to the airport. Josh has to keep reminding himself that there are people relying on him as the time to leave draws near. Josh wishes he could have even a few more hours, if not days, of being able to relax and not having to constantly push his body. 

Throughout the flight Tyler keeps glancing at Josh unable to contain his grin. He finds any excuse to touch: fixing Josh’s hair, removing imaginary eyelashes from Josh’s cheek, passing Josh his drink and letting his hand linger on Josh’s. Tyler is positively glowing and the morning they spent in bed is a big part of that. Josh knows how important intimacy is to Tyler, not just sex but in all its forms. It’s important to Josh too and it’s something they haven’t been able to have a lot of lately. Loved-up Tyler is Josh’s favourite version of him, and Josh wishes he wasn’t so sick and could make Tyler feel like that every day.

Josh places his hand on Tyler’s thigh and keeps it there, unconcerned for now about someone seeing. Tyler shifts in his seat and lets out a breathy laugh. A smile plays at the corner of Josh’s lips. He hadn’t wanted anything beyond touching Tyler, a connection, but Tyler’s always been easy to turn on, at least with Josh. 

Josh has never been much for flirting in public but Tyler’s mix of contentedness and excitement is infectious and has Josh leaning over to whisper in his ear.

“I really liked what we did this morning,” Josh murmurs, his lips just brushing the shell of Tyler’s ear, “Want to do more of that.”

“Yeah,” Tyler responds, turning his head so they’re cheek to cheek and keeping his voice low, “Wanna do so much more.”

Josh has to take a steadying breath.

“I want that too,” Josh says, trying to keep his imagination from running wild.

Tyler pulls back and captures Josh in his gaze. For three long breaths Josh thinks Tyler is going to kiss him right there where anyone could see, keeping their relationship a secret be damned. But the spell is broken by a flight attendant walking past. Tyler’s eyes dart away and then back to Josh.

“We got to stop or I’m gonna have a situation,” Tyler says quietly.

Josh can’t help but smile, knowing how much he was affecting Tyler. Josh strokes his thumb on Tyler’s thigh and then withdraws his hand and leans back in his seat. Tyler looks at Josh with regret.

“Later,” Josh says with a wink.

Although the flight is short, Josh is still affected by the altitude and leaves the plane with swollen hands and wrists, feet and ankles. The pressure on his joints is hard to ignore and makes it difficult to focus. He feels leaden getting into the car. The drive to the venue is bumpy, the roads full of potholes and Josh ends up battling nausea and a growing headache. Arriving at the venue is a relief and Josh heads straight to the green room to sit down and try to recover. Tyler follows him, hand on the small of Josh’s back, warm and steady.

They find Mark and Brad waiting for him, both looking serious. Mark sits on the couch, fiddling with his shoelaces while Brad stands off to the side, arms crossed and frowning. Tyler takes his hand off of Josh’s back discreetly.

“Hey how was LA?” Mark asks as soon as he see them.

“It was ok,” Tyler answers.

Too tired to stand, Josh sits on the couch next to Mark and suppresses a sigh poorly. Mark glances at Josh and then looks back at Tyler expectantly.

“Look I know it’s none of our business, but what’s going on?” Mark asks, leaning forward.

Tyler looks at Josh, silently asking him if he can tell them. Josh nods stiffly. He hadn’t prepared himself for this. He still hasn’t told his family, which he feels awful about, but he wants to tell them in person and he hasn’t been able to get to Columbus yet. Now their label knows and Mark and Brad are about to know. This isn’t at all how Josh wanted it to go. None of this has been on Josh’s terms. He’s still finding it hard to accept that he’s sick and not getting better. Yet the fact that it’s all been taken out of his hands is somewhat of a relief. Like pulling a bandaid off quickly. If he waited until he’s fully accepted his illness, no one would ever know.

“Josh is sick, guys,” Tyler says, “He’s got a condition called Fibromyalgia.”

It’s a shock for Josh to hear Tyler say it so plainly. Hearing himself described like that by another person, not by himself, it’s another reality check. It makes Josh feel validated and uncomfortable all at once. Josh isn’t sure he’ll ever get used to being chronically ill, and yet having it acknowledged is meaningful, comforting. It’s validation of Josh’s reality.

“Is it serious?” Brad asks, brows furrowed and mouth set in a thin line. Mark, for his part, is looking at Josh with alarm and concern. Josh shrinks back, feeling like a specimen under a microscope.

“No,” Tyler answers, and Josh jerks his head as if he’s been slapped. 

“I just mean, it’s not life threatening,” Tyler explains, shooting Josh an apologetic look.

Josh is sure Tyler means that, but it doesn’t stop the acid in his belly or the tightness in his throat. Fibromyalgia has taken so much from Josh. Just because it isn’t going to kill him, doesn’t make it not serious. And he knows that isn’t what Tyler was saying. He knows that. He just needs his adrenaline response to get the message.

“So what does that mean? What is it?” Mark asks, looking at Josh and addressing the question to him. 

“It’s a nervous system disorder, it causes pain and flu like symptoms, poor sleep, fatigue, chemical sensitivities, headaches, that kind of thing,” Josh explains, feeling far freer to talk about his symptoms here with his friends than he did in the cold boardroom yesterday.

“Dude, that sucks,” Mark says, sounding a little shellshocked.

On paper it’s an understatement, but the way Mark says it, Josh knows how much he really means it.

“Is it curable? Is there treatment you can have?” Brad asks.

“No, it’s not. And treatments are sketchy. You try and control your symptoms but that’s it,” Josh explains.

Josh catches Tyler looking at him with a sad expression on his face.

“Man, you know, I’ve had people asking me on Twitter every day if you’re sick and I just thought it was normal crazy fandom stuff,” Mark says, “I knew you’d been getting migraines lately, I thought that was just stress or something but-”

“Yeah, this was not at all what I expected you guys to tell us,” Brad says and Mark makes a noise of agreement.

“What did you expect?” Tyler asks.

“That you got called in about- you know,” Brad says, making a waving motion between Tyler and Josh.

“What?” Josh asks, clueless.

“That you guys are dating or whatever,” Mark explains.

“Oh!” Josh exclaims, “That’s…”

Josh looks at Tyler who is like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Yeah,” Brad continues, “We thought the label had found out and you guys were in trouble about it or something. We were really worked up about it.”

Mark snorts and says, “Yeah, Brad and I were getting ready to defend you.”

Tyler relaxes a little at that and Josh is sure that Tyler is feeling the same relief that he is. They knew that their friends weren’t homophobic, but they weren’t sure how they’d react to Josh and Tyler being together specifically. A change in dynamic like that could seriously mess up a group, and Mark had always made fun of the fanfiction that was written about them.

“How did you guys find out?” Tyler asks, still a little guarded but Josh can see he’s trying to let that go.

“You guys aren’t as sneaky as you think you are,” Mark smirks.

“I mean, the fact that you guys always go into the same hotel room was pretty obvious, but I think what really tipped me off was catching you kissing before a show once,” Brad says, stroking his beard.

“What, when?” Josh asks, feeling his cheeks heating with embarrassment.

“It was a couple months ago,” Brad says.

“Yeah I also walked in on you guys kissing a couple times,” Mark adds.

“Oh jees,” Josh scrubbing his face with his hand..

“And you’re ok with it?” Tyler asks.

“Yeah, of course!” Mark says, and Brad echoes him. 

Josh watches Tyler’s shoulders loose some of their tension.

“That’s- thanks guys,” Tyler says running a hand through his hair. 

“Just don’t think this means you guys can start having sex on the bus all the time,” Mark says with a laugh.

“Yeah don’t worry about that, Josh has already vetoed it,” Tyler says with a fake pout.

“Tyler please,” Josh says with a groan. 

“What? It’s true!” Tyler says smiles teasingly.

“Well, Josh, we all thank you,” Brad says.

Josh just makes a noise of discontent. 

“So what was the meeting about?” Brad asks.

Tyler explains and Josh finds his concentration slipping. The travelling and the talking are catching up to Josh. He rubs his eyes, feeling exhausted. He’s reached his limit now and he’s finding it difficult to follow the conversation. He’s hit a wall. And the wall hit back.

“Hey,” Brad says, “We totally support your decision, whether you want people to know or you want to keep it quiet, we got your back.”

It takes josh a second to realise that Brad was talking to him, and then to decipher what he said.

“Thanks dude,” Josh says, trying to summon up a genuine smile. He’s so grateful that Mark and Brad are being so supportive, both of him being sick and of he and Tyler being together, but right now Josh’s fatigue has a tight grip on his brain and he’s a couple of steps behind, viewing reality through frosted glass.

“Yeah and if there’s anything we can do for you, let us know,” Mark says.

“Thanks but probably not,” Josh says, hoping the fatigue doesn’t make him sound dismissive, “I appreciate the offer though.”

“Anytime,” Mark says, then adds, “You look tired, we’ll leave and let you get some rest.”

“Thanks man,” Josh says, leaning across the couch and giving Mark a one armed hug.

Mark stands and Brad comes over and gives Josh’s shoulder a squeeze. They leave together. Tyler comes over to the couch and sits next to Josh.

“That was… unexpected,” Tyler says, putting his arm around Josh’s shoulders.

“Yeah,” Josh says, leaning into Tyler. Talking is a chore but he has to ask, “How do you feel about them knowing?”

“Surprisingly ok,” Tyler says, “It’s kind of nice, not having to keep it such a secret, and that they’re ok with it.”

“Yeah tell me about it,” Josh says. He yawns suddenly.

“You should sleep,” Tyler says, “You’ve still got some catching up to do. I know you didn’t sleep well this past week.”

“Yeah,” Josh replies stifling another yawn. They’ve still got a show to play and Josh needs to be functional for it.

Tyler kisses the top of Josh’s head.

“We can do this all the time now,” Josh mumbles sleepily, “Now that they know.”

“Besides the kissing, I’m not sure it’s that different than before we got together, to be honest,” Tyler says with amusement.

“Mmm, feels different though,” Josh says, rearranging himself so that he’s more snuggled into Tyler.

“Yeah, it does,” Tyler says and Josh can hear the smile in his voice.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again to the brilliant Kitchensink_IV for the beta read. 
> 
> Thanks also to the people who take the time to comment. It's hard to be creative, to put your work and yourself out there, especially with a topic so personal to me, and you guys make it worth it. I love seeing your reactions, how you feel about what's going on and even what you think might happen next. You guys keep me writing and I am so grateful! <3

Josh takes a deep breath and he waits to go on stage. He bends over and touches his toes, his hamstrings pulling. He inhales a few times, trying to get his body to loosen. One big breath in makes his back crack and his ribs creak. When he stands up he’s a little more comfortable. He leans his neck from side to side, clicking it both ways. He rolls his shoulders and rotates his wrists. He picks his knees up one at a time, trying to loosen his hips. He’s developed this routine over the past couple of months, trying to find a way to make performing easier. It helps a little, gets him through the first few songs a bit easier. 

Tonight his stomach and thigh muscles hurt like he’s had an intense workout mixed with the body pain of having bad flu. Josh chews his lip trying to figure out what the hell he did, rewinding his day in his mind, struggling to recall all the details. Then it hits him. Josh had held his body taut when Tyler was blowing him, especially his stomach and legs. It doesn’t seem possible that keeping his muscles tense for such a relatively short time could cause so much pain. It doesn’t bode well for the show, but Josh has performed feeling worse.

Josh braces himself for the noise and walks out on stage. As usual the adrenaline hits and the crowd and Tyler’s energy carry Josh through the show. He’s hyper aware of his abs and thighs, the kick drum and working the pedal are particularly difficult and Josh misses more than a few beats because he just can’t get his legs to keep up. His muscles feel weak and useless.

When Tyler speaks to the crowd it’s a godsend for Josh. He spends the time trying to catch his breath and massaging his aching thighs that keep threatening to cramp. He doesn’t catch most of what Tyler says until he hears his name.

“Josh, you look beautiful tonight,” Tyler says.

It’s not uncommon for Tyler to say that on stage, he would say it even before they started dating, but it’s Tyler’s tone of voice that Josh really pays attention to. There was something else to it, a lilt to Tyler’s voice that Josh has only ever heard when they’re in private.

“Don’t you think Josh looks good, everybody?” Tyler asks the crowd who respond uproariously.

“So good,” Tyler says and even from across the stage Josh can see the naughty smile on Tyler’s face. 

Tyler is flirting with him. In front of fifteen thousand people. Josh is stuck somewhere between thrilled and mortified. Josh does his usual ‘aw shucks’ routine, sticking his lip out, shrugging his shoulders and waving his hands at Tyler. He just hopes the audience can’t see how much he’s blushing.

“Alright, alright,” Tyler continues, “This next one is called _We Don’t Believe What’s on TV_ and it’s not normally about Josh, but tonight it is.”

The crowd go mad and it takes a while for Tyler to get them to do the ‘Yeah yeah yeah’s correctly. When Tyler gets to the first chorus he circles the mic until he’s facing Josh instead of the crowd. 

_”I used to say I wanna die before I’m old but because of you I might think twice,”_ Tyler sings, looking directly at Josh.

Josh’s mouth goes dry as he thinks about the implications of that. They haven’t talked much about the future of their relationship beyond the intention to be together. When they were just friends they’d spoken about being friends forever, finding girls to marry, raising kids, growing old, and being friends through all of it. Josh has been so preoccupied with what his illness means for his future, what living in pain for the rest of his life might be like, that he hadn’t considered the rest. He wants to be with Tyler forever. And he still wants to get married and have kids. With Tyler. And he thinks Tyler might feel the same way.

Josh’s drumstick slips out of his hand and he fumbles for a new one, trying to keep the beat. Tyler is back performing to the crowd and completely unaware of Josh’s epiphany turned existential crisis. Josh is terrified of the future. The idea of being in this much pain for the rest of his life fills him with horror. But spending it with Tyler sounds like pure joy. He thinks he might be able to manage it if he has Tyler by his side. They’re going to have to tell their families and they’re not sure how that will go down. At some point the world will find out and they’ll have to cope the backlash. And Josh loves kids but he has no idea how he would cope with that now that he’s sick. Whenever he pictured himself as a dad it was an active role, playing outside, teaching his kids how to play catch or how to swim in Summer, and having snowball fights in Winter. None of that is in his reach now, not without pushing himself to breaking.

The rest of the set Josh struggles to concentrate, stuck between the joy of knowing that he wants to spend the rest of his life with Tyler, and the deep despair that he’s going to be sick forever and it’s going to take even more from him than it already has. It leaves him with a hollow chest.

The end of the show comes as a relief, both physically and mentally. All Josh wants is to sleep, even if it’s in his lonely bunk on the bus. 

Josh walks to the front of the stage on wobbly legs, his thigh muscles giving him hell. Tyler wraps his arm around Josh’s shoulders and caresses his arm. Josh quirks a half smile at Tyler. They bow and as they stay low for those few seconds Tyler leans over and kisses Josh on the cheek. Tyler lingers and Josh can feel his breath. They stand up and Tyler giggles while the crowd go crazy. Josh can’t help the fond smile that spreads across his face.

Tyler keeps his arm around Josh’s shoulders as they walk off stage and Josh can practically feel the energy thrumming inside Tyler. Josh wishes he could siphon some of Tyler’s energy because he feels wiped.

As they enter the dressing room Tyler pulls Josh into a kiss, long and deep and with intention. Tyler presses his body into Josh’s, trying to meld them together. Tyler is already half-hard and his mouth is hot and demanding. Josh leans into it, trying to put his pain and exhaustion aside. He wants to revel in this.

“Couch,” Josh says, breaking the kiss. His legs feel like they are about to give out.

Tyler quickly complies, urging Josh to sit on the couch and climbing on top of him. Tyler resumes the kiss, burying his hands in Josh’s hair. Josh tries to keep up but his body is starting to scream at him at a level he can’t ignore. Tyler grinds into Josh, seeking friction. And Josh is about as limp as a wet noodle, his body completely unable to muster up arousal no matter how much Josh wants it.

“You don’t have to be so tense,” Tyler whispers into Josh’s ear, “We don’t have to worry about being found out anymore.”

Josh hadn’t been aware of how tense he was until then. His muscles are taut cords, making him stiff and sore. He shifts, trying to relax and that’s when he feels lancing agony through his hip as his left thigh cramps, right in the joint. The pain is shocking and unbearable. He shoves Tyler off of him, unable to be gentle and almost sends Tyler flying. 

“Ah, ah shit!” Josh shouts, standing, trying to release the cramp.

“What? What’s wrong?” Tyler asks from the floor.

“Cramp in my hip,” Josh says through gritted teeth. He tries to stretch it out but it just spasms more so Josh freezes. He clutches the top of his thigh and breathes heavily through his nose, trying to order his muscles to relax.

“Here, let me help,” Tyler says, coming up behind Josh and sliding his hand underneath Josh’s.

Tyler gently rubs the spasmed muscle while Josh just works on breathing. Slowing the muscles start to relax and Josh leans back into Tyler, close to collapse. Tyler wraps his free arm around Josh’s middle and keeps Josh steady. Tyler is still hard and Josh can feel him pressed into the small of his back. Josh could cry, but while his eyes burn they remain thankfully dry.

“I’m sorry,” Josh murmurs.

“It’s not your fault,” Tyler tries to reassure him.

“I’m sorry I’m not gonna be able to do anything tonight,” Josh says, closing his eyes. Tyler is still rubbing his thigh and it feels good and the spasm is mostly gone. Josh feels completely emptied out.

“Hey that’s ok, I’m not surprised after that! It would kill any mood for me too,” Tyler says, giving Josh’s middle a squeeze.

“I wasn’t even hard before the cramp hit me,” Josh says, exhaustion removing any filters he had, “I wasn’t turned on at all.”

“Oh,” Tyler says. He stops rubbing Josh’s thigh. He loosens his arm on Josh’s waist.

Josh steps away from Tyler and Tyler lets him go.

“It’s not you, you’re great,” Josh says, turning around so he can face Tyler, “I am just so sore and tired, Ty.”

“I thought you were having a good day?” Tyler frowns.

“This morning I was, now I’m not,” Josh explains.

“But on the plane you said later,” Tyler says, eyebrows furrowed, “I thought that meant, you know, today sometime.”

“I can’t control how I feel,” Josh says, starting to feel defensive.

“No, I know that,” Tyler says apologetically, taking Josh’s hand, “I’m sorry. Just this morning was so good, I was hoping for more.”

“Yeah, me too,” Josh says, struggling to keep the bitterness from his voice. If anyone is experiencing disappointment keenly, it’s Josh. He’s the one with the failing body.

“I’m sorry,” Tyler says again.

“It’s ok, I just wish…” Josh can’t finish the sentence. He wishes too many things.

“I know,” Tyler says, rubbing his thumb over the back of Josh’s hand.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again to KitchenSink_IV for beta reading. If you haven't read her fics yet, you're missing out!

The next morning looms over Josh like a noxious smog. The pain and fatigue, though extreme, are nothing compared to how he feels emotionally. The last few days have been far too many ups and downs for even a normal person to emerge from unscathed and Josh is paying for it. It’s like a weight tied around his neck, pulling, pulling, pulling.

Tyler is quiet and withdrawn. Josh knows it’s his fault. Or his body’s fault. Josh tries to have some sympathy, some understanding. He knows that his illness has a deep effect on Tyler and their relationship. He doesn’t expect Tyler to be superhuman and never feel the strain. But the effort of trying to be understanding when Josh already feels so low, leaves him hollow and agitated. It shames Josh to admit that all he wants right now is for Tyler to wrap his arms around Josh and tell him that it’s all ok, that Tyler loves him and if they never get intimate again he’ll still love him. And it’s not that Josh doubts Tyler, it’s not that Josh thinks Tyler is so selfish that he’d leave him over a reduced sex life. It’s that Josh feels like he’s failing Tyler. He’s not giving Tyler everything he needs, everything that Josh could give him if he was healthy. 

Josh thinks about how Tyler sang to him on stage last night. _’I need to know, that when I fail, you’ll still be here’_. That part of Josh beat down by illness, that broken piece of him that’s raw and hurt and vulnerable, wonders if Tyler sees the flip side of that line. Will Tyler extend to Josh the same that he’s asking for?

Inconsistent. That’s Josh’s life now. One day, one hour, one minute, he’ll feel ok, he can push his symptoms away and function. The next day, hour, minute, he’ll be breaking, desperate, empty. He doesn’t get enough warning that his limit is coming, and the limit changes constantly. One day he can get through multiple interviews and perform and the next day a short conversation wears him out. 

Josh sees how people react when he suddenly shuts down. He knows it can’t be easy being his friend, and that Tyler suffers with Josh’s hot and cold, engaged and absent, lively and dead, _inconsistency._ Josh tries to push through it. He shoves the pain and exhaustion away and does his best to stay involved. He listens to people speak even while his brain feels like its melting out of his ears. He nods and keeps his responses simple because recalling words is hard and he trips over his own tongue. And Josh does it to stop that look of confusion that people get when he checks out. He does it because he’s seen the hurt in their eyes. He does it so that Tyler keeps smiling and doesn’t stop touching him, doesn’t withdraw and avoid Josh.

And Josh gets it, because his exhaustion reads as disinterest and his pain makes him impatient and his voice harsher, more clipped. He does everything he can to temper it, he pushes himself over the edge and keeps pushing. And pays for it later. Because everything he does comes with a price. He can fake being ok while he listens, he can fake alertness when all he wants is rest, he fakes it everytime someone asks him how he is, he fakes every performance while his body breaks down. But some things can’t be faked. He can’t cover his confusion when someone says something to him and his brain just won’t interpret it into understandable language. He can’t stop the rising anxiety when he has sensory overload and has to go somewhere quiet and dark lest he have a panic attack. And Josh can’t pretend to be aroused when his body stops feeling pleasure altogether and Tyler’s lust starts to feel like a drain, another thing pulling at him.

Josh swings between feeling like a failure to anger that people ask more of him than he can give. He wants to be able to do everything, he wants to be a fully functioning human being. He wants to be old Josh, who listened to everyone’s problems and helped and supported his friends. 

And Josh resents it. He resents that he has to act healthy, that people expect of him more than he can give. And he resents that he’s sick, because if he was healthy none of this would be an issue. He could give everyone what they need.

Breakfast is cereal with Mark, Brad and Tyler. It’s not unusual for them to be quiet in the mornings and Josh wonders if Brad and Mark can feel the discontent rolling off of Tyler or if Josh is just sensitive to it.

“Have you ever thought about going gluten free or cutting out dairy?” Mark asks out of the blue, waving his spoon at Josh’s cereal.

“No,” Josh replies honestly.

“Oh,” Mark says, “I was just thinking loads of people swear by it. It might make you feel better.”

“Giving up sugar, too,” Brad says, with a deep frown, “That would suck, but it might be worth it.”

Josh isn’t sure how to reply. On the one hand he appreciates that his friends are thinking about him and want to help. On the other hand he’s offended that two people who until yesterday had never even heard of Fibromyalgia, now think they can offer Josh advice. He knows they mean well, but Josh can’t help but feel like they think he’s too stupid to know what to do about his own illness. Like he doesn’t want to get better. And Josh has looked at all the advice online. Some people swear by an anti-inflammatory diet, others have had zero success and it just made them miserable. After all the research he’s done he realised that improvement is relative. Some people with Fibromyalgia are completely bed-bound, so being able to get up is a huge achievement for them. Others have relatively mild symptoms that respond better to lifestyle changes than others. Josh can’t follow someone elses treatment plan, he has to build his own. Things like stretching and rest have been far more beneficial for him than anything else. 

Josh looks at Tyler, who always has something to say about fad diets and the obsession with demonising certain foods. Tyler just keeps looking into his bowl, seemingly unaware. Josh knows he’s in a sensitive place but that doesn’t stop him from feeling deeply isolated. The table is suddenly split between the healthy and the sick. It’s him on one side and Brad, Mark, and Tyler on the other. Even when he’s feeling stronger, Josh is acutely aware of how different his reality is from that of healthy people. There is a disconnect, a divide that can never be crossed. Healthy people think every body works like theirs. They apply their body’s logic to that of a sick person’s, completely unaware of the differences. 

“Yeah, I don’t think I’m gonna make any diet changes,” Josh says, looking down into his own bowl and feeling distinctly unhungry.

“Oh ok,” Mark says and he sounds neutral enough. Mark has no idea how one simple suggestion has sent Josh into a small spiral and for that Josh is glad.

Brad suggests a movie after breakfast and they all agree. They sit in the small entertainment area of the bus, Brad, then Mark, then Josh and Tyler on the end. Tyler sits with this arm stretched out behind Josh on the back of the couch. Normally Josh might see this as an invitation to get in closer, to slot into Tyler’s side and rest against him. But Josh can’t get a read on Tyler today. He doesn’t know how much is him projecting his insecurities and how much is Tyler. Josh knows he must be sending out weird vibes too, in his exhausted and agitated state.

Twenty minutes into the movie Josh finds he can’t concentrate anymore. He wants to crawl into his bunk and sleep, but he also feels jittery and full of nervous energy. He would run if he could, but even if the bus weren’t moving, taking them to the next city, Josh couldn’t tolerate running anymore, even on a good day. 

Josh jiggles his knee and plays with the hem of his shirt, twisting it into his fist. He tries to focus on the movie but he has already forgotten the characters names and only has a vague idea of what’s going on. The jiggling of his legs intensifies until Tyler moves his arm from behind Josh and places it on Josh’s knee. Josh imagines it was intended to be soothing but he just feels restricted, hemmed in and rebuked. 

“Don’t stop, I’ll be back soon,” Josh says, standing and walking to the back of the bus. 

Josh paces up and down the aisle between the bunks, needing to move. The space feels small and cramped and while not normally claustrophobic, Josh finds himself getting more and more anxious. He wrings his hands together trying to soothe himself as he walks and it keeps his anxiety from escalating. Josh takes stock of himself, trying to figure out what’s made him feel so bad. If he can understand it, maybe he can stop it. He stops pacing and takes a deep breath, turning his awareness inward.

He realises that he hurts all over, a kind of non-specific pain that he can’t quite define or say what exactly is sore, except that it’s his whole body. It’s an unpleasant pressure, compacting his body, it’s a deep ache in his bones that weakens him, it’s a pulling sensation, dragging at him. Down, down, down.

Josh visibly startles when he hears Tyler speak.

“Josh?” Tyler asks.

“Hey, sorry, I didn’t hear you coming,” Josh explains.

“Are you ok?” Tyler asks, “You look pale.”

This is what Josh has wanted all morning, Tyler’s attention and his regard. But now that Josh has it he feels guilty and ashamed. This isn’t something Tyler should be worrying about. Josh knows he must be a burden sometimes, with how much he needs. He wishes with all his might that he could need less. 

“I’m fine,” Josh replies unconvincingly.

“Ok, and now the real answer?” Tyler says with a quirk of his lips.

Josh sighs and rubs his hand over his face.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Josh says instead, feeling the weight of failure threaten to crush his chest, “It’s not that I didn’t want to.”

“Hey, that’s alright,” Tyler says with a frown, taking a step towards Josh, “I know you weren’t feeling good.”

“Yeah,” Josh says, unable to meet Tyler’s eyes, “But I let you down.”

“Oh Josh,” Tyler says in a strained voice, “That’s not… I feel like I let _you_ down. I know how much performing takes it out of you. I’ve been beating myself up all morning for putting pressure on you like that.”

Josh looks up sharply and sees guilt written all over Tyler’s face. He feels sick.

“You didn’t pressure me,” Josh says quickly, shocked that Tyler thinks so.

“Well I wasn’t exactly sensitive to how you might be feeling either,” Tyler says, frowning.

“Ty…” Josh isn’t sure how to respond, caught between wanting to comfort Tyler and seeing some of the truth in his words. He settles on, “I wish I wasn’t like this.”

“I wish you weren’t sick,” Tyler amends, “I hate seeing you in pain.”

Josh nods. The anxiety he was feeling is draining out of him and leaving behind nothing but tiredness and that deep body ache.

“Come here,” Tyler says, opening his arms for Josh.

Josh goes gladly, stepping into Tyler’s embrace and allowing himself to be held. He digs his fingers into Tyler’s back and rests his head on Tyler’s shoulder.

“I know this touring schedule has been hell on you,” Tyler says, stroking Josh’s back, “It’s not long now and then we can have a break and you can start feeling better.”

Josh clings to hope that what Tyler says is true.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, my beta-angel KitchenSink_IV is my muse, and my stupid typo finder. (As in she finds my stupid typos!!!)
> 
> Also you can follow me on twitter @awolfling for chronic illness rants and crying over joshler mainly.

Twenty One Pilots have one more video to release before they finish their tour and go on a break. Tyler and Josh are spending a week in Columbus for it, though filming is only for three days, and Josh has never felt more glad to be going back home. It’s a no-brainer that Josh will be staying with Tyler at his place, even though Josh’s mom sounds a little disappointed that Josh won’t be staying with them.

Even though they’re still working, a week of not travelling sounds like a dream to Josh. He’s never slept in Tyler’s bed before, but he knows it will be more comfortable than the bunks on the bus and as they arrive in Columbus in the morning Josh can’t wait to go to sleep that night.

But first Josh has to see his family and finally tell them about his illness. Josh had pre-arranged for his siblings and parents to get together on the first day back so he could get it over and done with. Josh had foolishly thought it would be easier now that he’d already told people about his illness but as he leaves the airport he is filled with dread. Tyler goes straight to his parents house too, even though he offers one last time to go with Josh to tell his family. As much as Josh would love Tyler’s support, he knows he has to do this on his own.

The taxi pulls up in front of his parents’ house and Josh stares at the front door until the taxi driver makes a pointed cough. Josh takes a fortifying breath and pays the man and gets out. He’s left on the sidewalk with his luggage and has to steel himself before going up to the door.

Josh is halfway up the path when his mom opens the door, smiling wide. Josh can’t help but smile back despite his trepidation. His dad comes out and offers to take Josh’s bag and for once Josh lets him. Every little bit of energy that Josh can save is a good thing. Inside he gets hugs from his sisters and Jordan and his mom kisses him on the cheek and for a few minutes Josh can pretend that everything is normal. They catch up with each other and Josh listens with pride as he hears about his siblings’ accomplishments. His mom fills him in on all the extended family stories, what aunts and uncles and cousins are up to. By the end of it Josh already feels wrung out and overwhelmed and he hasn’t even gotten to the hard part yet. For a second he entertains the idea of not telling them, at least not now, but he knows delaying it will just make it worse.

When there is a lull in the conversation Josh stands and clears his throat and says “um” and his family all look at him expectantly.

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you guys,” Josh says, feeling his heart start to pound.

“Sure, what is it, honey?” Josh’s mom asks.

“So lately, the past year or so, maybe longer, I’ve been feeling really run down, tired all the time,” Josh starts, easing himself into it more than anything.

“You do have a crazy schedule,” Josh’s mom says sympathetically, “I keep saying you need to slow down.”

“Yeah, I know,” Josh says. He glances around the room, seeing the expectant faces of his family and continues, “It’s more than that though, I’ve been having these really bad headaches, a lot of body pain. I feel like I have the flu all the time.”

“Oh Josh, have you seen a doctor?” his mom asks with concern. 

“I have,” Josh says, not willing to go into the long story of those disheartening experiences, “Long story short, I have an illness called Fibromyalgia.”

Josh waits for his family to react, his mouth dry and heart pounding loudly in his ears. Abigail and Ashley look at each other and back at him, looking sad. Jordan, Josh can tell, is trying to remain guarded but Josh knows him too well and can see the concern in his eyes. Josh can’t get a read on his dad, who is stoney faced and avoiding eye contact. Finally Josh looks at his mom.

“Josh, are you sure? I mean you’re nearing thirty, it’s normal to start getting a few aches and pains, and you don’t look after yourself on tour, I’ve always said that. When was the last time you ate a vegetable? Your body isn’t as forgiving as it once was,” she says with a frown. It’s a lecture he’s gotten from his mom before, but never in this context.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Josh says hollowly. Those are all questions he asked himself in the beginning, when he doubted himself and his illness. Hearing them echoed back to him by his own mom is hard, but he knows it comes from a place of love, of not wanting him to be sick.

“Sorry, can I ask what uh, what Fibro-whatever, what it is exactly?” Jordan asks and Josh shoots him a look of gratitude.

“So it’s a nervous system disorder,” Josh starts to explain, this part at least he is becoming used to, “It causes sensitivity to, well, everything. The main symptoms are pain and fatigue, but there are over two hundred symptoms associated with it. It causes sleep disturbances and sensitivity to sensation, sound, light, that kind of stuff. I’ve been getting really bad migraines too.”

The facts don’t truly reflect what living with Fibromyalgia is like. It doesn’t explain what it’s like to have to wear sunglasses when it’s raining because it’s still too bright. It’s doesn’t tell his family that sometimes he can’t wear half his clothes because the texture of them makes him want to vomit. It doesn’t say what it’s like to spend most nights half-wake half-aware, too exhausted to move but sleep just not coming. None of what he said tells them about how sometimes the pain is so bad he’s not sure how he’s going to survive. But Josh doesn’t want to scare his family, doesn’t feel like he can tell anyone exactly what the hell he’s living in truly feels like. Tyler knows the most, but even then Josh can’t properly convey his experience and is scared of what it might mean if he did.

“But it’s not… uh… you’re not…” Jordan flounders.

“It’s not fatal, if that’s what you’re asking,” Josh says, and by the way Jordan lets out a breath and his shoulders slump, Josh guessed right.

“Oh thank God!” Ashley says, and Abigail nods emphatically. 

“Sorry, I should have lead with that,” Josh says, feeling bad.

“No, it’s fine,” Jordan says, looking relieved.

“Oh Joshua,” Abigail says, standing up and walking over to Josh and enveloping him in a hug.

Ashley quickly joins them and then Jordan. The Dun siblings share a group hug and Josh feels so so loved, and a little sheepish that he put off telling them for so long. His siblings end the hug and Josh looks over at his mom who is trying to subtly wipe away tears.

“Mom,” Josh says, going over to her and giving her a hug too.

“I’m sorry you’re going through this,” she sniffs.

“Me too,” Josh says, and he has to clear his throat to stop his own tears which are threatening to fall.

Josh’s dad gets up and leaves the room.

“I’ll be right back,” Josh says, tightening his arms around his mom and then letting her go.

Josh follows his dad into the kitchen. He’s seen this look, this body language before, the last time when he was a teenager and his parents had found his Offspring cds. The dread that Josh was feelings earlier is back with a vengeance.

“Hey dad, what’s up?” Josh says, throat tight. 

“Look Josh I’m sorry you’ve been feeling bad lately, but Fibromyalgia?” his dad scoffs.

Josh crosses his arms.

“You do know that’s not a real diagnosis, right?” he continues.

“Yes it is,” Josh replies, a pit in his stomach.

“Come on, Josh, that’s a thing doctors tell women with emotional problems,” his dad plants his hands on his hips, a sure sign that he thinks he’s unequivocally right. 

So many things flash through Josh’s mind. He feels like a kid again, trying to convince his parents to let him play music, that certain genres aren’t bad or immoral. He’d won those battles eventually, and his relationship with his parents had been for the better afterwards. But this chips away at Josh’s very core, his most vulnerable self. His first instinct is anger, but he knows getting into a screaming match won’t help. Instead he closes his eyes for a second and takes a deep breath through his nose and lets it go slowly.

“Dad, I know that’s what people used to think,” Josh says, “But the medical science has advanced now, there is proof that Fibromyalgia is real.”

His dad looks sceptical but doesn’t immediately disagree with Josh and he counts that as a win.

“There are brain scans that prove the pain, the illness, is real,” Josh says, wanting to drive his point home.

Josh’s dad tightens his mouth and Josh knows not to push any further.

“I know you’re just concerned,” Josh says placatingly. 

Josh’s dad grunts and nods. It’s the best Josh can hope for right now. 

“I’m gonna go back,” Josh says, tilting his head towards the door.

Josh walks on unsteady legs back to the living room.

“Everything ok?” his mom asks as he comes back in.

“Yeah, sure,” Josh says, not wanting to get into it. Hopefully his dad will come around.

Josh doesn’t stay much longer and his dad only comes back out of the kitchen as he’s ready to go. Tyler comes to fetch him. Josh carries his bag out himself and his dad watches him pointedly, scowling when Tyler takes Josh’s bag from him and carries it to the car.

“I still don’t know why you’re not staying with us,” his mom says.

“It’s just easier,” Josh doesn’t quite lie. 

He says goodbye to his family and Tyler waves to them and they get in the car. Josh slumps in the seat as soon as they’re driving, letting out a shaky sigh.

“So how did it go?” Tyler asks, glancing at Josh and then back to the road.

“My dad didn’t believe me,” Josh says, only really starting to feel the magnitude of what that means now that he’s away from him.

“What?!” Tyler shouts, “Why? How?”

“He’s got some outdated notion that fibro is a fake illness,” Josh says, closing his eyes against the pain, “My mom and Jordan and the girls were supportive though.”

“Good! That’s good,” Tyler says.

Even with his eyes closed Josh can feel Tyler looking at him.

“Eyes back on the road,” Josh says, and quirks a half smile when he hears Tyler huff and do as he’s told.

They’re quiet for a few minutes and Josh spends the time alternately trying to process what happened and trying to push it away. He wants to give his dad the benefit of the doubt, he knows it’s a hard illness to understand, but he also feels deeply hurt.

“Are you ok?” Tyler asks.

Josh has about a hundred different answers to that question. Physically he is beyond drained. Emotionally he feels whiplashed, the great love he felt from the rest of his family warring with the disappointment and betrayal of his father doubting him.

“Yeah,” Josh says eventually, “I’m just tired.”

His go-to answer to that question.

“We can rest when we get home,” Tyler offers.

Home. Josh had never linked Tyler’s house with the concept of home before. He barely thinks of his own place in LA as home. Columbus was his home, and he’ll still refer to it as such because it’s simpler that way, even though he’d moved to LA because of how ill-fitting Columbus had become for him. But for years the only home Josh has really known is Tyler. Josh supposes he could get used to calling Tyler’s home his own eventually.

Tyler takes Josh’s bag in, having already dropped his own stuff off before fetching Josh. It feels vaguely emasculating to let Tyler carry his bag for him, but Josh isn’t sure he could even lift it with how he’s feeling.

Tyler’s house is beautiful, natural wood floors running from room to room, connecting them, big wide windows that let natural light come streaming in, shades of warm browns. It’s so very Tyler; comforting and well thought out, classic and warm. Josh has been here before, but he sees it with new eyes. He knows that for Tyler a physical home is very important.

“I miss this place sometimes, you know,” Tyler says, watching Josh look around.

“I understand why,” Josh says going up to the window and looking out at the garden.

“But I used to get lonely here all by myself. I’m glad you’re here with me now,” Tyler says, hugging Josh from behind and hooking his chin over Josh’s shoulder. 

Josh leans sideways so he can peck Tyler’s lips.

“I’m glad too,” Josh says. He can breathe here and forget about the morning at his parents’ house. It’s just him, surrounded by everything Tyler.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again to KitchenSink_IV for all of her help.
> 
> Don't forget you can hit the subscribe button to make sure you never miss a chapter!

Their last single for the Blurryface album is _Not Today_. They met with the director, provided to them by the label, a couple of times and worked out a concept together, though Tyler took point and Josh and the director just added to his vision.

  
The concept was to recreate Tyler’s old childhood bedroom. The bedroom would be in the middle of a forest and Tyler would be trapped inside, black paint on his hands and neck darker than ever. Josh would be outside the room trying to get Tyler out, first by calling to him and trying to get his attention, then by breaking down the walls. The video would be interspersed with some footage of them playing the song in the forest.

  
Josh and Tyler are up at 4am to get to set and while Josh was dreading the early wake up call, he finds himself oddly energetic. A driver picks them up and takes them to the woods on the outskirts of the city. The set is already busy when they get there, various trailers and tents littering area. It’s a crisp Fall morning and Josh’s breath steams as he gets out of the car. Josh looks over the roof of the car at Tyler who is looking around at the bustling set still sleepy and bleary-eyed. Tyler is tucked up in a thick jacket and his nose is going red from the cold already. Tyler looks adorable and Josh wants nothing more than to pull Tyler close and kiss his nose and cheeks, to sneak his hands under Tyler’s jacket and share some of Tyler’s warmth.

  
An assistant greets them and takes them to the director, winding them through the various trailers and deeper into the woods. Dawn is just beginning to light the sky and the first birds are tweeting. The air is still and peaceful and leaves crunch under their feet.

  
“Not far now!” the chirpy assistant says.

  
The trees thin and there is the set, Tyler’s old bedroom set up in the clearing, lit by floodlights. Right now one wall is removed and the director is standing in the middle of the room talking to a camera operator. He waves a hand at them and says one last thing to the camera operator before turning to them.

  
“Gentlemen!” the director, Carl, calls. He motions them to come closer, “So what do you think?”

  
Josh watches as Tyler crosses his arms and looks around the room.

  
“Man, this is so real it’s eerie,” Tyler says, walking up to a bookcase with recreations of his old basketball trophies on one of the shelves.

  
“They did a great job!” Carl says.

  
“Yeah, wow,” Josh echoes, clasping his hands behind his back, also inspecting the room.

  
“So!” Carl says clapping his hands once, “You guys have some time for a little breakfast while we set up, then you get into makeup and we’ll start filming!”

  
Carl rushes away and the assistant appears again and leads them to the catering tent. They grab plates and go to the buffet table which is loaded with a full range of breakfast foods, from stacks of waffles to eggs and bacon to big bowls of porridge.

  
“It’s so weird how similar that set looks,” Tyler says, dishing himself some waffles.

  
“Yeah, tell me about it,” Josh agrees, looking at the array of food, debating what to have.

  
Tyler puts bacon on top of his waffles and then pours syrup over both. Josh eyes Tyler’s food with envy but dishes himself eggs and bacon only. He knows it’s going to be a long day and protein will do him better than sugar.

  
With full plates they sit at a table together. The tent is empty for now and they eat in privacy. They don’t talk much. Josh can tell that Tyler is trying to get his head in the game and Josh is happy to stay silent.

  
They’re soon ushered off to the makeup trailer and primped and polished. Josh finds the feel of the makeup brushes soothing but when the foundation dries his skin feels over sensitive and uncomfortable. The red eye makeup goes on thickly and the makeup artist asks him about the meaning behind it. Josh starts to explain it but he sees her eyes glaze over and trails off. Josh glances over at Tyler who is having the black painted on his neck and Tyler has a closed lip smile on his face like he’s trying not to laugh. Josh smiles back but then the makeup artist is telling him off for moving his head and he goes back to looking in the mirror while she finishes his makeup.

  
Then it’s time for hair and the heat from the blow dryer hurts his scalp and he winces through it. Tyler had helped him re-dye his hair yesterday and it’s highlighter yellow again. His curls are disappeared by the blow dryer and then artfully put back in with product, the woman doing it twisting strands of his hair around her fingers. By the time she’s through Josh doesn’t want to be touched by anyone or anything, feeling poked and prodded.

  
Josh goes into wardrobe while Tyler is having the black applied to his hands. They’d decided on all black clothes and Josh is made to try on a couple of outfits before they find the right combo of black jeans and black tshirt. He’s cold in the outfit and quickly puts a jacket back on. Then Tyler comes in and goes through the same process, ending up in a black button up and black dress pants.

  
Whatever energy Josh thought he had earlier is already fading and he has to ready himself as they walk onto the set. They walk through the order of events for the day, mostly it will be filming the first part of the video, Tyler alone in his room and Josh alone outside in the woods.

  
Tyler is up first and Josh watches, sitting in a chair behind the camera. They’ve gotten more used to being filmed and having to ‘act’, but Tyler has always been more comfortable with it than Josh. There’s a reason why Josh mostly plays the drums in videos.

  
They do take after take, some with Tyler just moping around the room, others where he’s singing. Josh watches with rapt attention, especially as Tyler sings the song. Tyler lights up when he performs and Josh is usually behind him while he’s performing. Now Josh gets to bask in all of Tyler’s glory and he drinks it in greedily. They film from different angles, removing the walls and bringing them back in so they have the whole room covered and it looks real and not like a set. They take a break after about two hours. Tyler looks grateful for the break.

  
“How did I look?” Tyler asks Josh.

  
“Good!” Josh says.

  
“Really?” Tyler asks seriously, “It felt a little silly sometimes.”

  
“It didn’t look silly at all,” Josh says, suppressing the urge to reach out to Tyler, aware of all the people around them. He leans in and lowers his voice, “You always look good, Ty.”

  
Tyler smiles and looks down.

  
“Yeah?” Tyler asks, licking his lips and looking back up at Josh.

  
“Yeah,” Josh breathes.

  
They’re interrupted by the director coming up to them.

  
“You’re up next, Josh!” Carl says, “We’re gonna get all of the walls up and I want takes of you walking around, trying to find a way in.”

  
“Yeah sure,” Josh nods.

  
Tyler takes Josh’s seat and Josh walks in front of the camera, butterflies in his stomach. The outside of the ‘walls’ are painted to look like red face brick, an impenetrable yet suburban prison. They do takes of Josh circling the room and some of him coming out of the forest to discover the room. All Josh is really doing is walking around trying not to look stupid but by the time he’s done Josh feels like he’s run a marathon.

  
They break for lunch while some set changes happen. Josh finds it difficult to eat, the fatigue making him nauseous.

  
“You ok?” Tyler asks him.

  
“Just tired,” Josh answers, pushing his fork around his plate with disinterest.

  
“Yeah tell me about it, these repetitive takes suck,” Tyler says between bites.

  
Josh doesn’t have the energy to explain that it’s so much more than that for him. He knows that Tyler did more physical work, but Josh is disproportionately fatigued and his body is already aching. He scrubs at his eyes with his knuckles, his eyes burny and tired. He thinks his eyelids actually feel swollen and his face is still uncomfortable. He’s constantly aware of the feeling of the makeup on his skin.

  
They go back to set and film a section where Josh sees Tyler through a window and calls out for him, Tyler still locked in his room, unaware. Tyler has his red contacts in for this part, Blurryface keeping him from knowing that Josh is trying to break him out. They do shots both from outside and inside the room. Josh is told to shout Tyler’s name while he bangs on the window. Josh feels awkward and the first few takes are a complete bust.

  
“I need more energy from you Josh!” Carl shouts from behind the camera.

  
Josh closes his burning eyes and tells himself to forget all the people watching him. He tries again, shouting Tyler’s name and hitting the window with his fist. Tyler has his back to the window, to Josh, and the more Josh shouts the more Tyler tenses.

  
There comes a moment for Josh where everyone fades away and all he focuses on is Tyler, his back turned, ignoring Josh’s desperate pleas. Josh shouts his voice hoarse, slamming his palm against the glass, _thud thud thud_ , his heart pounding in his ears, _doof doof doof_ , his own cries echoing around his mind. Tyler’s folding in on himself, shoulders hunched and head dipped, his arms go around his middle.

  
“TYLER, LOOK AT ME!” Josh’s voice cracks and he stops screaming, fingers clutching at the glass.

  
The silence is deafening.

  
Josh thinks he sees Tyler tremor.

  
Josh is panting and feels ready to collapse.

  
“Damn!” Carl shouts, making Josh start, “That was some good shit! I think we got it!”

  
Tyler turns and he looks shaken, pale. They lock eyes and Josh feels caught.

  
“That’s a wrap on day one!” Carl says, approaching them, “We got some really good stuff today, guys, well done!”

  
Josh nods and Tyler mumbles thanks and then an assistant is shooing them towards the makeup trailer for them to get cleaned up and changed back into their own clothes. They don’t talk the whole way home and thankfully the driver doesn’t try to make conversation.

  
It’s a great relief when the car pulls up outside Tyler’s house. The second they’re inside and the door is closed Tyler pulls Josh close and buries his face in Josh’s chest. Josh wraps his arms around Tyler’s thin frame, holding him close. Josh rests his cheek on the top of Tyler’s head and breathes in his scent.

  
“Don’t ever want to do that again,” Tyler murmurs.

  
“Me neither,” Josh says, his voice still hoarse from shouting. His throat hurts.

  
“Dunno why I thought that would be a good idea,” Tyler continues.

  
“It’ll look good,” Josh whispers with a scratchy sound, “I didn’t think that would feel so real.”

  
Tyler nods.

  
In bed that night Tyler clings to Josh, his fingers digging into Josh’s side even as he sleeps. Josh runs his fingers through Tyler’s hair and draws circles on his back and Tyler relaxes fractionally. Josh doesn’t sleep, his body too achy and his brain too wired. He has no idea how he’s going to make it through the next day.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might not be able to write as much for the next few weeks because I just got a new kitten, but I really hope I can keep up a regular posting schedule anyways! I love writing this fic! Hopefully you are all enjoying reading it too!

The 4am pick up the next morning is hell. Tyler is grumpy from the early wake up and Josh’s lack of sleep makes him feel like the entire world is fake. Josh is developing a rash on his face from the makeup, his cheeks blotchy and red and he feels gross and unattractive.

 

The makeup artist tsks at him, putting colour corrector on his cheeks before the foundation to cover up the red patches. The skin on Josh’s face burns but he keeps it to himself. He avoids looking at the mirror too much.

 

On set they’ve set up two break away walls, one for exterior shots in face brick and one for interior shots that’s lightly plastered over. They start with the exterior shots and Josh is given a sledgehammer and told to have at it. The sledgehammer is heavy and although the walls are fake and made to break, it still costs Josh a huge amount to do. They must do about fifteen takes, resetting the wall each time for Josh to break down again. In between takes the makeup artist comes up to him with wipes and removes some of the red eye makeup everytime, making it paler and paler. 

 

By the end Josh’s arms are on fire and his shoulders burn so much be wants to whimper. He’s allowed an hour break while they set up the next shots and he and Tyler go to rest in the trailer set up for them. 

 

“I can see how much pain you’re in,” Tyler says once they’re alone, “Is there anything I can do?”

 

“No,” Josh says, his voice still a little scratchy but not as hoarse as the day before.

Josh sits on the couch and lists to the side, half lying down. It’s not a comfortable position but he doesn’t have the energy to move himself.

 

“I could give you a massage?” Tyler offers.

 

“Thanks, but I think it might make me hurt more,” Josh says, speaking feeling like a chore.

 

Tyler makes a noise of sympathy.

 

“Here, at least lie down more comfortably,” Tyler insists, helping Josh rearrange himself on the couch. He picks Josh’s legs up and gets them properly on the couch, not hanging off and making his body twist. Tyler takes Josh’s shoes off for him, placing them on the floor beside the couch.

 

Josh’s whole world is pain and his body throbs with it. He can feel a headache rapidly approaching, brought on by the tension and strain in his shoulders.

 

“I’m gonna need painkillers,” Josh admits.

 

“Ok, I’ll find you some,” Tyler says.

 

“Coke and something salty too, if that’s ok?” Josh asks apologetically. He hates having to ask Tyler for simple things but he knows if he gets up now that he’ll end up collapsed on the floor.

 

“Of course, you know I’m always happy to help,” Tyler tries to reassure him.

 

It helps to know that Tyler doesn’t mind but it does nothing to ease the humiliation Josh feels about his failing body.

 

Tyler leaves and comes back in a few minutes with everything Josh asked for. He has to prop himself up so he can take the pills and eat and drink and his body screams at him for moving. He takes the pills with water and then alternates between sips of coke and eating potato chips. It takes a little while but the combination of painkillers, caffeine, sugar and salt help to stop his headache from reaching its peak. Josh lies back down and Tyler gently plays with his hair, kneeling beside the couch. 

 

Josh must fall asleep for a little bit because he wakes up and Tyler is sitting on the couch opposite Josh, looking at his phone. Josh still feels awful but a little less like he’s going to die. 

 

It’s not long before they’re called back to set. Josh’s red eye makeup is reapplied for the interior shots. Josh is given the sledgehammer again and he has to repeat the process, breaking into Tyler’s room, this time from Tyler’s perspective, filmed mostly over his shoulder.

 

Two takes in and Josh feels like he’s going to fall over any moment. His heart is racing and he feels lightheaded and the pain that he had managed to beat back is rearing its head again. He’s given a brief respite while the makeup artists starts to remove his eye makeup again, and then does the same with Tyler’s black paint. 

 

Each subsequent take makes Josh feel exponentially worse. Even the makeup artist starts to ask him if he’s doing ok and calls him sweetie, so he knows he must be looking at bad as he feels.

 

“Ok, let’s go again!” the director calls, “And… action!”

 

Josh tries to lift the sledgehammer but his arms just don’t have the strength.

 

“Action!” Carl says again.

 

“I just need a minute,” Josh says, trying to block out the pain and get his arms to work.

 

“We’re working against the clock here, Josh,” Carl says, “There’s only so much daylight left.”

 

Tyler appears from around the wall and goes up to Josh. He puts a hand on Josh’s shoulder. Josh’s hands are cramping where they grip the handle of the sledgehammer.

 

“You ok?” Tyler asks quietly.

 

“No,” Josh says, feeling tears start to prick his eyes. Josh clears his throat to try and get them to stop and it works a little.

 

“Come on guys, let’s go go go,” Carl says, clapping his hands together on each go.

 

“Ok, you need to back off,” Tyler snaps.

 

The set falls silent.

 

“I’m just doing my job,” Carl says, raising his hands in mock surrender. He doesn’t sound apologetic at all.

 

Tyler ignores Carl and turns back to Josh. He speaks quietly so only Josh can hear him.

 

“Josh, we can stop, we can call it quits for today and pick up again tomorrow,” Tyler says, his hand still on Josh’s shoulder. 

 

“No, I wanna carry on,” Josh says, wondering how the hell he’s going to follow through with what he’s saying. There’s a detached part of Josh’s mind that is glad they decided not to film behind the scenes stuff for this music video.

 

“Josh you don’t have to,” Tyler urges, stepping even closer.

 

That same part of Josh’s brain that has separated itself from the pain wonders what the people around them must be thinking. Josh, an apparently fit twenty-nine year old, getting tired after a few rounds of hitting a sledgehammer into fake wall. Tyler, his band mate, shouting at the director. The two of them standing so close and whispering to each other.

 

Josh gathers what little strength he has and looks up at Tyler.

 

“If I hurt myself now then I don’t have to hurt myself later,” Josh explains. 

 

Tyler looks stricken, eyes wide and mouth thinned. But he nods.

 

“I just need some water and like five minutes to recover,” Josh says.

 

“Yeah ok,” Tyler says, “I’ll go tell Carl.”

 

Josh leaves the sledgehammer on the ground where he was standing and walks off set. There’s a table set up in the trees with refreshments and Josh grabs a bottle of water. His hands shake and he can’t grip the cap enough to open it. Tyler joins Josh a few seconds later and Josh hands him the bottle of water.

 

“Sorry, can you open this for me?” Josh asks in a whisper, acutely aware of the many eyes on him.

 

“Sure,” Tyler says, unscrewing the cap and handing the bottle back to Josh.

 

Josh takes a long drink, the cool water helping to clear his head, ground him. Josh puts the water back down and leans with both hands on the table, steadying his trembling body.

 

“We can still stop,” Tyler says, stroking a hand down Josh’s back.

 

“No, I just want to get this over with,” Josh replies, sounding stronger than he feels.

 

Tyler asks Josh if he wants to sit down but Josh knows he won’t be able to get back up again if he does. So they stand together at the table, Josh with his head bent and Tyler with his hand on the small of Josh’s back. It’s more like ten minutes before Josh is ready to go again. 

 

When they had pitched the idea for the video, Josh hadn’t once thought about the toll it might take, about how his illness would limit him. He doesn’t understand how there are still parts of his life he’s discovering have changed.

 

Josh picks up the sledgehammer again. They’ve only got about an hour of daylight left, he can last another hour.

 

“So I take it you guys are ready?” Carl says with pursed lips.

 

“Yeah, we’re ready,” Tyler replies in an overly chipper voice.

 

“Action!” Carl yells.

 

Josh swings the hammer as hard as he can, snarling through the pain. The wall flies apart with more force than the previous takes, leaving behind a gaping hole.

 

“Cut!” Carl shouts, “Now THAT is what I’m looking for!” 

 

Carl motions for the makeup artist to go. She removes the final smears of red from Josh and black from Tyler, leaving them bare. 

 

“Ok,”Carl says coming up to them, “This is the last bit for today. Josh, you’re gonna reach through this nice big hole you made and pull Tyler through. Tyler, I want you to struggle while you climb through, like something is physically holding you back.”

 

“Yeah, ok,” Tyler says for the both of them. Josh doesn’t want to spend valuable energy on speaking.

 

“Ok, can we get some more rubble in here!” Carl yells at someone.

 

A man rushes in and starts strewing pieces of brick and debris around on Tyler’s side of the wall. When he’s done it looks like Josh destroyed a real wall, not the fragile breakaway one. There’s a lot for Tyler to climb over.

 

“You guys ready to go?” Carl asks Tyler and Josh. They both nod.

 

“Good. Roll playback! Aaaand action!” Carl yells.

 

Tyler’s voice plays over the speakers and as the final _’Heard you say, not today'_ starts playing, with the trumpets sounding, Josh reaches through the hole towards Tyler. Tyler clasps his hand around Josh’s forearm and starts climbing the rubble. Tyler slips and Josh steadies him. Josh reaches with his other hand and grasps the front of Tyler’s shirt and guides him over the pile of broken bricks. As the ’ _buh buh buh_ ’s start playing Tyler gets to the top and jumps down, still holding onto Josh’s arm.

 

“Cut!” Carl shouts. “That was great, guys, I could really feel that camaraderie! Let’s do it a few more times from different angles and we’re done for the day.”

 

The last takes pass as a blur for Josh. Pain makes everything seem strange and too fast and it feels like he blinks and they’re done. Josh doesn’t know how he makes it back to the makeup trailer but his next solid moment is the makeup artist saying, “Wow, your skin is so sensitive, no one ever has a reaction to this foundation.”

 

Once in the car Josh lies down with his head in Tyler’s lap and Tyler plays with his hair on the ride home. Josh feels every bump and turn in the road and it makes him dizzy. Once home Tyler keeps his hand on Josh as they go inside, like he’s afraid Josh will fall over. It’s not an unlikely thing to happen.

 

Tyler guides Josh upstairs to the bedroom and helps Josh undress down to his underwear. He pulls over covers back and Josh climbs into bed and curls up into a ball. Every inch of him burns like he’s on fire, his head throbs in time with his fast pulse and the muscles in his shoulders, arms and upper back feel like they’ve been ripped apart.

 

“I hate this.” It’s the first thing Tyler’s said since they left the set. 

 

Josh can’t respond.

 

“I hate that you’re sick so much!” Tyler says through gritted teeth, “I hate that I can’t help you and I hate that you pushed yourself today. I hate seeing you like this!”

 

Josh feels a physical pain in his chest where his heart it. Tears start to leak from Josh’s eyes. Tyler’s anger is just another sensation that Josh can’t handle right now.

 

“I’m sorry,” Josh whispers wetly.

 

A sob works its way out of Josh despite his best efforts. He sounds pitiful to his own ears. He hates that he’s just lying down and taking it, that he can’t do anything. He wants to scream at Tyler, tell him that none of this is Josh’s fault. But at the same time guilt and shame sour his stomach. He can’t help but remember that Tyler had told Mark and Brad that Fibromyalgia isn’t serious. Josh can’t help but think about how two days ago his own father had told him that it wasn’t even a real illness.

 

“Oh Josh,” Tyler says in a whoosh and Josh can feel the anger leave Tyler. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m so sorry Josh.”

 

Josh chokes on his own tears and he hates himself. 

 

“Babe,” Tyler says, climbing into bed behind Josh and wrapping his arms around him.

 

Josh doesn’t have the heart to tell Tyler that even the weight of Tyler’s arms around him hurt. Josh can feel all the love that Tyler is trying to give him and what’s a little more pain compared to that?


	12. Chapter 12

After lying down for a while some of Josh’s pain manages to ease. He still feels beyond awful but at least he no longer considers death an acceptable alternative. Tyler brings Josh dinner in bed, despite Josh’s protests that he could go downstairs to eat it. Josh can’t stop apologising to Tyler; for being sick, for being a burden, for almost ruining the shoot. Tyler keeps trying to reassure him but all Josh can think about is how angry Tyler was when they got home. He knows that Tyler wasn’t angry  _ with him _ , but rather with the circumstances. And as much as Josh understands, as much as he feels the same way, he can’t bear to be the person who made Tyler so unhappy. It’s his illness, his body, that made everything go to shit. No matter how much Tyler tries to back peddle and explain and reassure, Josh knows that what Tyler expressed was unguarded truth. 

 

Tyler’s anger was valid, Josh knows it’s about how much Tyler cares for him and how hopeless he feels. But anger doesn’t help Josh, especially when he’s hanging on by a thread. When he’s feeling _ that bad, _ anger is like a clawed hand squeezing around his heart, threatening to crush it.

 

They go to bed soon after eating and it takes Josh a while to fall asleep, his beaten body sore and uncomfortable in any position. He shifts and squirms trying to find a comfortable way to lie until he wakes Tyler for the fourth time. Then Josh lies still and begs his body for respite. Eventually the sleep Josh longs for comes…

 

Josh startles, the high-pitched whine of a wounded animal waking him up. A desperate keening and a sharp whimper that has Josh’s heart racing, and adrenaline levels skyrocketing. The sound was pitiful and scared and hurt and Josh is swept up in anxiety before he’s even aware of anything else.

 

“Josh!” Tyler is sitting bolt upright next to him, he sounds panicked “Josh what’s wrong?!”

 

Josh is lying on his right side, facing Tyler, his body uncomfortably twisted and yet desperately telling him not to move.

 

Tyler shakes Josh and pain goes lancing through Josh’s chest, like someone is drilling through his ribs. The pain starts in his right side in the middle of his ribcage and spiders outwards into his back and over the front of his chest right into his sternum. Josh grunts against the pain, suppressing a whimper.

 

“I’m calling an ambulance,” Tyler says, scrambling over to the table beside the bed and grabbing his phone.

 

“Tyler,” Josh gasps. The pain is starting to fade from sharp stabbing to dull ache. “Tyler, we have to go help that animal.”

 

By the light of the full moon shining through the curtains Josh can see the mix of confusion and alarm that paint Tyler’s face.

 

“What animal? What are you talking about?” Tyler asks.

 

“That sound!” Josh says, wishing he could move but afraid of the pain coming back, “Didn’t you hear that whining?”

 

“Jesus, Josh, that was _ you _ ,” Tyler says, thumbing his phone and illuminating the room with the blue-glow of the screen. 

 

Josh can see that Tyler’s hands are shaking.

 

“Ty,” Josh reaches out a hand to Tyler and the movement sets off the pain again.

 

Josh’s breath whooshes out of him like he’s been punched, lungs contracting with the pain. Josh tries to roll over, relieve some of the pressure on his side but moving just hurts worse. Josh pants shallowly, unable to take a deeper breath.

 

Tyler drops his phone on the bed and grabs at Josh.

 

“Josh, please, tell me what’s wrong,” Tyler urges.

 

Josh grasps one of Tyler’s wrists with his free hand and keeps him still, scared of being jostled again. The pain starts to ebb and Josh tries to relax into it.

 

“I think,” Josh says in between shallow breaths, “This is a muscle spasm.”

 

Tyler’s hands twitch where they are holding Josh and then tighten.

 

“No way,” Tyler says, “Josh you sounded like you were dying.”

 

“I know,” Josh replies, “It hurts like hell, it’s between my ribs.”

 

Tyler shakes his head, “Josh what if this is a heart attack or something!”

 

“It’s on my right side,” Josh explains, trying to keep a clear head.

 

Tyler shakes his head again, looking caught and unsure.

 

“I need your help rolling over,” Josh says, “My ribs are all skew like this and I think that’s what’s causing it, but every time I move it spasms again.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, ok,” Tyler says, and takes a deep breath, “What should I do?”

 

Josh has to think about logistics for a second. His left hip is rolled forward and it’s twisting his spine. His right shoulder is too far back, tilting his chest towards the bed. He can move his hips more easily, but his shoulder is more trapped. In fact now that the spasm is less intense Josh can feel just how painful his shoulders and arm muscles are from the shoot and the sledgehammer. 

 

“Ok, I’m gonna need you to get behind me,” Josh instructs Tyler, “I’m gonna try roll over onto my back and I need you to guide me.”

 

“Yeah, ok, I can do that,” Tyler says.

 

Tyler gets off the bed and goes around to the other side. He hesitates for a moment, then reaches over Josh and places his one palm on Josh’s chest and his other on Josh’s back, over his right shoulder blade.

 

“This gonna work?” Tyler asks.

 

“Hopefully,” Josh says, “You ready?”

 

“Yeah,” Tyler answers.

 

Josh gathers his strength and starts to roll over. As expected his intercostal muscles spasm again and Josh hisses with the pain. But then Tyler is helping him, firm hands flipping Josh onto his back. Lying flat helps and the spasm eases off. Without his ribs being squished together Josh feels like there is a weight lifted off his chest.

 

“That’s better, thank you,” Josh says a little breathlessly. 

 

Tyler cups Josh’s cheek and rests his forehead against Josh’s.

 

“You scared me,” Tyler says in a small voice.

 

“I’m sorry,” Josh replies wrapping his left hand around Tyler’s neck.

 

“Is the pain gone?” Tyler asks, breath ghosting over Josh’s cheek.

 

“It’s still sore, but better,” Josh says, “Come lay with me.” 

 

Josh tugs gently at Tyler’s neck. Tyler complies and tentatively settles himself half next to, half on top of Josh’s left side.

 

“Is this ok?” Tyler asks.

 

“It’s perfect,” Josh replies, secretly wishing he could be the one curling up around Tyler instead. But he doesn’t dare move.

 

Tyler sighs and cuddles closer, like he’s trying to crawl into Josh’s skin. It’s torture, all Josh wants is to hold Tyler tight but his ribs still ache. Tyler is tense and Josh can feel the fear still running through him.

 

“I’m sorry,” Josh says again, his breath hitching.

 

Too much has happened the past few days and Josh feels completely overwhelmed. His nerves are shot and he’s drained beyond belief. There is still pain coursing through his body and he knows he has to be up in a few hours to finish shooting the music video. All he wants is comfort, for Tyler to make him feel safe, for someone or something to help him. A moment of relief, free of pain and stress and exhaustion. Selfishly, Josh wants to not have to worry about how this is all affecting Tyler too, and the thought burns him. It’s just another thing on top of everything that Josh has to deal with and he doesn’t feel strong enough. 

 

Tears start to leak out of Josh’s eyes. They run down the valley of his face, tributaries of grief that pool into his hair and make his skin burn. His face stings from the salt, irritating the red patches from the makeup. It’s such a little thing, hardly enough pain to register for Josh, but as fragile as Josh is feeling, it hurts.

 

“Hey,” Tyler says, propping himself up so he can see Josh’s face, “No more tears, everything is gonna be ok.”

 

“No it’s not,” Josh says miserably, “Nothing about this is ever going to be ok.”

 

Tyler wipes Josh’s cheeks with his knuckles and Josh leans into his touch.

 

“It will be, you’re just overworked,” Tyler tries to comfort him, “We don’t have to do the shoot tomorrow, we can push it a day.”

 

That’s the last thing Josh wants, to extend his misery another day. Tyler’s words sting. More often than not Josh feels like Tyler understands Josh’s limitations, but then he says something like that and Josh knows he doesn’t get it at all. The music video is just this time’s problem. Josh won’t get better after he’s recovered. There is very little recovery to be had. And then something else will come along that puts a strain on Josh and he’ll be back in this pain. His body is his enemy and it will keep trying to destroy him.

 

“I want to finish the shoot tomorrow,” Josh bites out.

 

“Josh-” Tyler starts like he’s going to argue.

 

“Tyler please,” Josh says, desperation gnawing on him, “Please just listen to me.”

 

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” Tyler says, “Nothing I’m saying right now is helping, is it?”

 

“Not really,” Josh admits, feeling bad. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Tyler repeats, “I’m so worried about you and it’s coming out all wrong. I wish I could do something, take this pain away from you.”

 

“It’s ok,” Josh says.

 

Tyler kisses Josh, just a soft slide of lips, gentle and intimate. Words don’t often fail Tyler, but then this situation with Josh and his illness is still new territory for both of them. 

 

“I love you,” Tyler says, breaking the kiss, “I hope you know that.”

 

“Of course I do,” Josh says, “I love you too.”

 

Tyler strokes Josh’s cheek and leans up to kiss his forehead.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week has been incredibly tough on me healthy wise. Thank you to everyone who commented on the previous chapter, you have no idea how much I appreciate it and how much it helped me this week.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while. My health has been pretty bad lately, so I have no idea when I'll be able to write again, but maybe soon? I hope you'll all stick around.

Some people feel like they have a monster or demon living inside of them; their blurryface. Josh feels like he’s living inside the monster. His body actively works against him, causes him pain and misery, chips away at his life, and his identity. Some days Josh feels like all that’s left of him is thoughts circling down the drain. He’s a separate entity from his body, merely a consciousness, a passenger in a Josh-shaped husk. A thing that’s been designed to torture him, to break him.

 

Josh loses time between waking up and getting to set. The only thing he’s actively aware of is the aching stiffness that permeates his body. He says and does all the right things, an automaton, and no one seems to notice that real Josh is hidden away behind a wall of pain, not even Tyler.

 

The only thing they’re shooting today is them performing the song in the clearing, which will be cut between the footage of Tyler trapped in his room and Josh breaking him out. Having to drum with his aching arms, shoulders and ribs is torture and Josh retreats more. He barely pays attention to anything around him, just does take after take, playing along to the tinny sound of their song played over speakers. Josh doesn’t give it his all, he doesn’t play as hard as he normally would, trying to save what little sanity he has left. 

 

It starts to rain and only then does Josh realise there was pressure in his head and what it meant. The rain beats a steady rhythm onto Josh’s back as he leans over the drums and it’s the most aware he’s been all day. Tyler turns away from the camera, turns to Josh and smiles, giddy and childlike at being caught in the rain.

 

“This looks great guys,” The director shouts over the din, “Let’s keep rolling!”

 

So Josh and Tyler perform in the rain, getting soaked through, their clothes sticking to them like second skin. Water flies off of Josh as he drums. Tyler is shining like the rain is rejuvenating him, he performs like he’s in front of twenty thousand people, not less than twenty crew members. Josh watches in awe as Tyler owns the song, fills the clearing with his voice even though he’s supposed to be miming. It’s pure magic and Josh gets lost, a spectator and not a participant. He still drums, but all he focuses on is Tyler. Mesmerized. 

 

The song ends and Josh is thrust back into reality. 

 

“That’s a wrap!” The director yells, “Great job, everyone!”

 

Assistants come out with umbrellas like Josh and Tyler aren’t already dripping wet. They leave the set, Tyler making sure to thank everyone and Josh following his lead. They’re taken to their trailer and every step that Josh has to take is agony. His legs feel leaden, his whole body burns, the fatigue that plagues him threatens to destroy him. The feel of wet clothes on Josh’s skin is starting to hurt, really  _ hurt _ . The texture is unbearable, the weight of the wet fabric hanging off his shoulders has Josh close to tears.

 

Josh strips off his clothes as soon as they’re alone in the trailer. The sucking sound his shirt makes as he pulls it away from his chest makes Josh gag. When he’s down to his boxer-briefs Josh collapses onto the couch. He feels dizzy and sick. His skin crawls.

 

“Man that was so good!” Tyler says, starting to take his clothes off too.

 

Josh watches him, eyes burning with fatigue.

 

“When that rain came pouring down? It was electric!” Tyler enthuses, now down to his underwear.

 

Josh loves it when Tyler is passionate and excited. Tyler’s energy is normally infectious, but its out of reach for Josh today.

 

“It’s gonna look great in the video,” Josh manages. 

 

“How are you feeling?” Tyler asks.

 

Josh hesitates. He can’t help but notice that Tyler is half hard, his wet boxer-briefs leaving nothing to the imagination. Performing is such a rush for Tyler, Josh knows. A small spark of jealousy burns in Josh’s stomach. Josh wishes he had a body that worked. 

 

“Pretty bad, but I’m happy with the work we did,” Josh says, trying to put a positive spin on things. Josh doesn’t want to be the one who dulls the spark in Tyler’s eyes.  “Glad to be resting.”

 

“I’m sure, I find music videos so tiring,” Tyler says.

 

Josh’s stomach tightens. He knows Tyler didn’t mean anything by it, but he’s looking at Tyler who is full of energy and happiness, while Josh couldn’t stand up now if his life depended on it.

 

“Do you want some food? I can go get us some before we go,” Tyler offers.

 

Josh nods, not because he’s hungry, but because he knows he should eat, and that Tyler also needs to. 

 

Tyler dresses quickly and head outs. Josh stays on the couch. He’s getting cold now but he doesn’t have the energy to do anything about it. A shiver washes over him, more violent than it should be, making his jaw clench and his teeth hurt. He trembles, floods of sensation ravaging his body. The world spins as he’s sucked into a whirlpool and it beats his already broken body. He’s pulled away under the current and his lungs collapse in on themselves, desperate for air. He sinks into the depths.

 

Josh jerks awake gasping for breath, realising he was dreaming about drowning. Except it was less like sleep and more like drifting away from his body. It’s still raining outside and he’s still on the couch in the trailer, shivering. The world still spins, but from vertigo. His limbs jerk and spasm occasionally. His heart pounds. He’d gotten used to all the weird and horrible stuff his body does, but this is new. He’s never pushed himself so far, miles past the edge of exhaustion and pain. 

 

Basic instinct has Josh rolling over and curling up into a ball. Keeping his arms and legs in seems to help the jerking but he can’t get warm and the shivers still wrack his body. The pain he’s feeling is nothing compared to the extreme fatigue that seems to be draining the very life out of him. Breaking point is a hair’s breadth away.

 

Tyler returns with two styrofoam containers. The opening and closing of the trailer door is too loud and Josh winces.

 

“You’re freezing!” Tyler exclaims, “Why didn’t you get dressed?”

 

Josh doesn’t answer, just waits while Tyler finds a jacket and throws it over Josh’s terrible body. The image of a sheet being placed over a dead body flashes through Josh’s mind. 

 

“Here, some food will warm you up,” Tyler says, holding out one of the containers.

 

“‘M not hungry,” Josh slurs, unwilling to admit that he’s too weak to feed himself.

 

“Oh, ok,” Tyler says, withdrawing the container, “Why don’t you sleep a bit before we go home?”

 

With Tyler’s permission, Josh’s body and mind give in, and he falls into a blackhole.


	14. Chapter 14

It’s not recovery so much as learning to live with the extreme fatigue. Throughout the course of this illness Josh has never once felt he was improving. Rather it was like learning to live with new limitations, finding some sort of equilibrium. Only to find new lows waiting for him as soon as he feels he’s found his footing. 

 

Josh spends the next two days in Tyler’s house feeling like a ghost. He sleeps, he eats, they watch tv, but nothing brings Josh any sort of enjoyment. Tyler is distant, maybe because Josh is distant. Josh has trouble sleeping at night, but often nods off during the day and sleeps for hours. 

 

The night before they’re set to leave Josh is tormented with thoughts of how he’s going to continue to work, how he could possible keep playing music, how he is going to be able to leave Tyler’s house, when he feels so soul-destroyingly awful. Josh plays out the scenario where he’s forced to quit the band. He thinks of the fan reaction, the devastation it would cause and the eventual backlash that might occur once they’ve gotten over the shock. 

 

Josh turns over, trying not to wake Tyler as the anxiety makes him restless. He thinks of Tyler going off on tour while Josh stays at home because travel kills him. Grief and envy would consume Josh, he knows. He’d grow bitter and resentful. He foresees days marred by depression and hopelessness. He’d want to celebrate Tyler’s successes, he’d be proud of all that Tyler achieved and it would burn his very soul that Tyler was achieving it all without Josh. The thought that Tyler would be just successful without him is an such an injury to his self esteem that Josh physically cringes. Tyler mutters in his sleep, stirred slightly by Josh’s movement.

 

Tyler would be just fine, professionally, without Josh. And Josh wouldn’t want to hold Tyler back or for Tyler to fail in any way. But how long would their relationship last? The time spent apart, Josh’s inevitable grief and depression, the completely different worlds they would end up living in. Josh doesn’t have any hope that they’d survive it.

 

Josh gets up and goes downstairs, trying to escape the rabbit hole his thoughts led him down. He sits in the living room in the dark and tries to come up with solutions to his predicament rather than pursue nightmares. The list of things that might help is startlingly short. It consists of: rest more, and do less. Neither of which Josh is particularly happy with, but if it helps him avoid the future he’s imagined, he’ll try anything. None of the supplements that are supposed to help with Fibromyalgia have ever made any difference to him. Yoga just made him more sore and tired. Painkillers only took the bite off of his pain half the time. The only thing left to Josh was to rest more and do less. 

 

Rest more. Do less. 

 

Josh repeats it like a mantra, trying to convince himself that he’ll find salvation that way. 

 

Rest more. Do less.

 

Rest more. Do less.

 

Rest less. Do more.

 

Restless. Do more.

 

Josh falls asleep on the couch and has nightmares that he can’t remember. He wakes up more tired.

 

+

 

Leaving Tyler’s house, getting on another plane, flying to another city, makes Josh wish he’d never been born. By the time they’re at the venue Josh’s whole body is on fire and he can’t focus on anything. He goes to sleep in the dressing room, not bothering to try and engage with anyone and ignoring the looks he gets from Brad and Mark. It kills him to do so.

 

Tyler wakes him an hour before they’re supposed to go on and Josh wishes he could curl up in a ball and forget the world. Tyler asks him more than once if he’s ok and Josh just shrugs because where does he even start? Tyler eventually gets frustrated with him and leaves the room with a huff. Josh wonders what Tyler expected after the week Josh had. He’s not ready to go back on stage and he doesn’t have the option not to. Josh can’t bring himself to put on his red eye makeup because it’s energy he literally doesn’t have to give. Anger simmers in Josh’s belly. At the situation he’s in, at his body, at his illness, at himself. At Tyler. He feels empty and alone and anger runs into those spaces, trying to fill him up. It’s a half measure but it gives Josh the impetus to leave the dressing room and head to the stage when he’s supposed to and for that he’s grateful. 

 

He and Tyler ignore each other before they go on and Josh knows it’s for the best. Josh wants nothing more than to scream out all of his pain and he doesn’t want Tyler to get hurt in the crossfire. The rage inside Josh snarls. It rails against Tyler for not helping him, even when Josh knows there’s nothing Tyler can do. Speaking sense against the anger is tiring, and Josh yearns to let go and just explode. He craves the release, can almost taste how sweet not constantly suppressing himself would be. If he just told everyone the truth, spoke about every symptom, let them all see just how devastating this illness really is, if he didn’t try to protect everyone from his reality, maybe he could finally be rid of the lead weight he carries around constantly. Maybe people would actually understand. Maybe Josh wouldn’t have to act anymore. Maybe no one would ask of Josh what he can no longer give. Maybe Josh would finally find the comfort he craves and his skin would stop crawling, his brain would stop shuddering.

 

The fantasy bursts. Because no one will ever be able to fill the void that chronic pain and fatigue leaves. And Josh would always rather hurt himself than others. 

 

On stage Josh channels the anger into energy with diminishing returns. He drums as hard as he can, looking for the catharsis that music always used to give him and only finding more pain. He clenches his teeth until his jaw is so sore the pain radiates into his eyes and temples and down his neck. It’s not long before exhaustion hits and Josh can’t see straight. His arms lose strength and his drumming starts to sound soft and pathetic. Josh’s head swims and lights that have nothing to do with reality flash in front of his eyes. Nausea rises. Blood rushes in his ears. The more Josh tries to focus the harder it is. The world takes on a false quality, almost dreamlike if it wasn’t so distressing. Fear takes over as Josh realises that he’s going to pass out.

 

“Tyler!” Josh calls out, trying to stand.

 

He needs Tyler. Tyler will help him. Tyler will catch him if only Josh could get to him.

 

Josh tips backwards. His feet get tangled in his equipment. A wave of pressure passes through him, starting at his head, squeezing him breathless. Josh feels himself fall but he’s unconscious before he hits the ground.


	15. Chapter 15

When Josh comes to, the first thing he’s aware of is light. It’s so bright he has to close his eyes again. Then comes the sound. A deafening hum of concerned and confused voices. Someone close to him calls his name. Josh blinks his eyes open again and sees Tyler leaning over him. 

 

“Josh, talk to me,” Tyler says, voice high and frantic. Tyler’s hands are gripping the front of Josh’s shirt, making the seam dig into the back of his neck.

 

Josh groans, not yet able to get his voice working. He glances around and realises he’s still on stage. He must not have been out for long. The sound he can hear is the crowd, restless and worried. Mark and Brad are there too, on the other side of him, wearing matching expressions of worry.

 

“Tyler,” Josh says, urgently. 

 

“Thank god,” Tyler says, cupping Josh’s cheek. Tyler’s hand is shaking.

 

“The fans,” Josh says, trying to claw through the fog in his mind. They need to take care of the audience.

 

Tyler looks away, out into the crowd and Josh sees it dawn on Tyler that they’ve got thousands of fans out there who just saw Josh collapse on stage.

 

“Shit,” Tyler mutters.

 

Josh tries to sit up, but he’s still dizzy and weak and he lies back down again.

 

“Go talk to them,” Mark says, “We’ll take care of him, an ambulance is on the way.”

 

Tyler looks at Josh and Josh nods, giving Tyler permission to go. Josh doesn’t even want to argue about the ambulance coming. He’s shaken by what happened. He shifts and begins to feel how sore his body is. It’s a different pain than he’s used to, not the weird nerve pain or the ever present tight muscles that dog him. This is injury pain, bruised skin and trauma. 

 

Tyler’s voice appears in Josh’s left ear. Josh must have lost his right earpiece in the fall.

 

“Sorry guys,” Tyler says to the crowd, voice shaky “Josh is ok, he’s awake. He’s been sick lately and he shouldn’t have performed tonight, but we never want to let you guys down.”

 

The audience quiets a little.

 

“The good news is that Josh has finally fulfilled his dream of passing out because he played too hard,” Tyler jokes.

 

The audience laughs. Josh can’t believe he ever thought passing out would be fun or a badge of honour. The reality is terrifying.

 

Feeling stronger, Josh manages to sit up and the crowd cheers. Tyler looks back and gives Josh a concerned look. Josh attempts a smile but it only makes Tyler frown more.

 

“Obviously,” Tyler continues, “We’re gonna have to stop the show because Josh needs rest, I’m sorry.”

 

Shame punches Josh in the chest.

 

“Hey, man,” Mark says, putting a hand on Josh’s shoulder, ‘It’s ok, we’re gonna get you off stage now.”

 

Josh starts to tremble, completely overwhelmed. This is his ultimate failure.

 

“Just hold it together,” Brad says, “You can break down in private, the audience is already spooked.”

 

Josh nods and tries to breathe his emotions away. He ignores that swelling grief which threatens to suffocate him, avoids thoughts of how he’s let everyone down, he pushes down everything and uses the momentum to make himself stand up. Mark and Brad take an elbow each and keep him steady. Josh looks out at the crowd, who are now cheering, and blinks at the unreality of it all. One of his worst nightmares come true, and Josh feels disconnected now. Intellectually he knows how foolish he was to push himself, but he can no longer muster up any emotion. Whether because he pushed his emotions so far down, or the effort of standing robbed him of feeling, doesn’t matter.

 

Tyler comes rushing over, forgetting the audience in his worry again. He’s still clutching the mic.

 

“I’m sorry,” Josh says hollowly, more out of habit than anything.

 

The mic catches his words and they’re broadcast throughout the venue. The crowd makes a noise of protest. They start chanting his name and without the drumming or Tyler leading them it’s off beat and cacophonous.

 

Josh wraps his hand around Tyler’s, where he’s holding the mic, and lifts it to his mouth.

 

“Thanks, guys,” Josh says and the crowd cheers.

 

Josh is led off the stage by Brad, Mark and Tyler. They surround him, a buffer between him and the world, and take him down to the green room. Josh lies down on the couch and Brad and Mark say something about doing something that Josh doesn’t catch or understand.

 

Tyler kneels next to the couch and hugs Josh close and tight. It hurts but Josh lets him, because Tyler is shivering.

 

“It’s ok,” Josh says into Tyler’s hair, “Shhh.”

 

“Shut up,” Tyler says with a strained voice, “I’m supposed to be comforting you.”

 

“Ok,” Josh says, leaning into Tyler. 

 

It’s nice to touch like this. It feels like they haven’t touched properly in days. It does something to Josh’s insides, like water poured on embers. Josh is so tired. He slumps back into the couch and Tyler follows, leaning over him so that he can still hold Josh. Tyler kisses Josh’s face, both cheeks and then forehead. Josh can feel Tyler’s lips quiver as he tries not to cry.

 

“I’m just tired,” Josh tries to reassure Tyler. 

 

“You always say that,” Tyler moans, “You passed out, Josh!”

 

Something like anger tries to swell in Josh’s stomach but it can’t get past the fog in Josh’s mind. If Josh was allowed to rest, if people didn’t expect so much from him, then maybe he’s be able to feel better.

 

“I’m always tired,” Josh says, matter of factly. 

 

Tyler makes a choked sound and curls tighter around Josh.

 

Feeling sleep start to descend, Josh doesn’t fight it.

 

+

 

Josh is woken up by the EMTs coming into the room. They check him over for concussion, broken bones, cuts, abrasions. Besides a few deep bruises, Josh isn’t showing any other signs of damage. Josh tells them he’s been exhausted lately, that he knew he was pushing himself too far, that he was burnt out. Tyler looks pained. They take Josh to hospital just to run tests just to be sure and Josh hopes he never has to ride in an ambulance again.

 

The hospital is loud and bright and awful. He’s poked and prodded, blood taken and tests run. It takes hours, well into the early hours of the morning. It’s the worst thing Josh could have gone through after the night he’s had. He’s overwhelmed by sensation, his skin crawls and his head hurts and his eyes sting. He’s discharged at 6am with strict instructions to stay off work for at least two weeks. Tyler takes him to a hotel. Tyler looks rung out.

 

Finally in bed, Tyler checks Josh over like he doesn’t trust that the doctors did their job properly. Josh has a big bruise on his right hip and has worsened steadily since he first saw it in the hospital. It’s a motley disaster of red and black, a big swollen lump and Tyler’s hand on it, as gentle as he is, is almost too much to bear. Josh doesn’t know if he hit it on something on the way down or if he fell onto it when he landed on the stage. 

 

Tyler runs his fingers over every inch of Josh he can reach, hesitant and earnest. It helps sooth Josh’s brain which is still vibrating from the overstimulation of the hospital. He closes his eyes and lets everything narrow down to Tyler touching him.

 

Josh slips in and out of sleep without really noticing the edges of consciousness and unconsciousness until he suddenly becomes aware that Tyler has stopped moving his fingers and is snoring softly into Josh’s shoulder.

 

The next day Tyler deals with management. There are shows to cancel, label executives and fans to pacify, travel arrangements to be made. Tyler even gets hold of Josh’s family for him.  Josh doesn’t even feel guilty that Tyler is handling all of it, he’s so depleted. Josh spends most of the day eating and sleeping. He doesn’t feel any better after it.

 

Josh is uncomfortable from lying down all day but besides trips to the bathroom, he doesn’t have the energy to stand. Josh finds new bruises, mostly along his right side, including his right cheek. It smarts when his cheek touches the pillow. 

 

Josh can tell Tyler is stressed and at the end of the day he falls into a fitful sleep beside Josh. His constant tossing and turning keeps Josh awake. Josh still feels numb inside.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the beginning of the end! Only a few more chapters to go, all of which have been written and will be posted shortly!
> 
> I haven't been replying to comments recently and I feel SO BAD about it! Please know I appreciate every single one, it's honestly the reason why I keep writing! I've just been too tired lately to reply!

Josh finds out very quickly just how boring and frustrating bedrest is. The first day or two he’s too exhausted and sore to notice, but as time marches on so does his frustration. As the bruises on Josh’s side fade seemingly so does Tyler’s sympathy. At first he couldn’t have been more attentive. He put arnica on Josh’s bruises, he piled Josh high with pillows and blankets and he was always asking what he could do for Josh. But after a few days Josh could see Tyler’s frustration start to grow. Josh started hiding his pain and fatigue again because it was preferable to Tyler being fed up with him.

 

A week after Josh collapsed on stage he forces himself out of bed. He doesn’t feel all that much better physically, but emotionally he couldn’t take one more day of doing nothing. He notices the way Tyler smiles when Josh comes downstairs, sees the relief in Tyler’s eyes and Josh pushes back against that hurt that flares in his chest. Josh already knew quite well just how much Tyler would prefer Josh wasn’t sick.

 

Josh sits down at the kitchen counter while Tyler makes breakfast and checks social media for the first time since their forced break and instantly regrets it. His mentions on twitter are full of panicked messages and people fighting each other. At first Josh can’t follow what the issue is, but the more he reads the more a picture begins to form. A rumour had started that Josh had collapsed on stage due to a drug overdose, and their break was so that he could go to rehab. 

 

There is a distinct and unique awfulness that comes with reading false things about yourself on the internet. Like an ugly rumour spread about you in high school that’s become radioactive, that scratches at your very soul. Josh feels nauseous.

 

“Did you know about this?” Josh says to Tyler, “The rumours about me?”

 

“Yeah,” Tyler shrugs awkwardly, “Got a call from management a few days ago about it.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Josh asks, wondering if Tyler’s frustration with him had something to do with it.

 

“I wanted you to get a real rest,” Tyler explains, his mouth in a thin line.

 

Josh sighs. He appreciates Tyler trying to protect him, but he’d rather know and not have Tyler acting weird for reasons unknown to him.

 

“So what are we gonna do?” Josh asks, struggling to not feel hopeless. His illness has caused them so many unnecessary problems. He can’t change his illness, he’s not going to miraculously get better, but there has to be something he can do to make even a tiny part of his life easier.

 

“The Not Today music video drops tomorrow, management are hoping that will change the conversation,” Tyler answers.

 

“Hmm,” Josh says, skeptical. 

“Yeah,” Tyler agrees, placing a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon in front of Josh.

 

Tyler sits next to Josh at the counter with his own plate of food.

 

“Do you think I was wrong to keep my illness private?” Josh asks.

 

“No,” Tyler answers immediately, fork full of eggs halfway to his mouth, “You have every right to keep that private.”

 

“Yeah but I mean, do you think things would be easier if I didn’t?” Josh pushes his eggs around the plate.

 

Tyler takes another bite of food, clearly thinking. It’s something Josh has always loved about Tyler from the very beginning of their friendship. Tyler will actually consider things, really give thought to ideas rather than making snap judgements all the time.

 

“Some things might be,” Tyler admits after swallowing his food, “No more rumours would be nice. And it might be less stressful if you don’t have to hide it.”

 

“You’re right,” Josh says, finally taking a bite of his food.

 

They eat in silence for a bit before Josh speaks again.

 

“I’ve been thinking about our shows,” Josh says.

 

“What about them?” Tyler asks, placing his fork down on his plate having finished eating.

 

“You know how hard they are on me,” Josh says, trying to hold back the shame he feels, “I can keep going like we have.”

 

Tyler sighs, “I know.”

 

“I never want to disappoint you, but we need to restructure them or I can’t do this anymore,” Josh says, swallowing back bile, “I don’t want to let you or the fans down but…”

 

“You’re not letting me down,” Tyler is quick to say, “I wish you weren’t sick, but you’re not letting me down.”

 

“Yeah, I know you do,” Josh says murmurs. 

 

“Josh?” Tyler asks quietly, placing his hand on Josh’s thigh.

 

“I know you get frustrated with me,” Josh says sadly. 

 

“I don’t,” Tyler says.

 

“You do though,” Josh presses, “I know you do. I know it’s hard on you that we can’t go out and do things like a normal couple because I’m too sick. I know how frustrated you get when you ask me how I am and I tell you for the hundredth time I’m not feeling good. And I know… I know that we haven’t had sex in ages and that you wish we could.”

 

“Josh, I-” Tyler starts.

 

“Please don’t deny it, not if I’m right,” Josh interrupts him.

 

“I’m sorry,” Tyler says, leaning in close to Josh, “I’m sorry I let my frustration show, I’m sorry I get frustrated at all because it’s not your fault. And you’re suffering, really suffering while I feel hard done by and that’s not fair. But Josh, it’s not  _ you _ , I’m not disappointed or frustrated  _ with you _ . It’s the situation.”

 

“I am the situation,” Josh tries to explain, looking away from Tyler. 

 

“It’s just that I wish you could get better, I wish I could do something that actually helps you,” Tyler puts his fingers on Josh’s cheek and gently guides Josh to look at him again, “I love you.”

 

“I know, I love you too, but Ty, I wish you understood how much pressure I feel when you say stuff like that, like I have to pretend to be better to make you happy. I need you to accept that this is how things are.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Tyler sighs.

 

“I know you mean well,” Josh says, feeling bad, “I don’t doubt you. But it hurts. It hurts me when you get angry that I can’t do things, or when you pull away from me.”

 

Josh’s mouth is raw, and so are his feelings. To finally say the things that have been sitting in the back of his mind is hard. But his collapse on stage scared him, made him realise that if something didn’t change, he was going to seriously damage himself.

 

Tyler twitches and Josh can tell that he’s resisting his instinct to pull away. Josh takes Tyler’s hands in his to keep him close.

 

“I love you so much,” Josh says, “This illness I have, it’s with me every second of every day, it makes my life miserable, but you make it better, you give me happiness, I need you.”

 

Tyler’s eyes lock with Josh’s, and Josh can see that Tyler is holding back tears.

 

“I never want to hurt you,” Tyler says.

 

“I know, babe,” Josh leans forward and presses a kiss to Tyler’s lips. Tyler leans into him.

 

When they part Tyler says, “I really am sorry.”

 

“I know,” Josh says again.

 

“So,” Tyler says, “How do you want to break it to the fans?”

 

+

 

Together Josh and Tyler decide on posting a video. Josh is nervous about it, but he knows he needs to be able to explain his illness in his own voice. He talks it over with Tyler, what he wants to say. It’s hard to put his illness into words without coming off as dramatic or whiny. In the end they decide to keep it simple.

 

They get Mark in to help them film it, and Tyler decides he wants to be in the video too, to support Josh. It makes Josh slightly less nervous, although he really wishes he could hold Tyler’s hand. It takes a few tries because Josh stumbles over his words a bit, but in the end he’s happy with the result. Together they watch the video back one more time before posting.

 

_ Josh and Tyler look into the camera.  _

 

_ “Hi guys,” Josh says, “There’s been a lot of speculation lately, and I couldn’t keep quiet anymore about what I’ve been going through. The truth is, I am sick. I have a condition called Fibromyalgia. It’s an invisible illness that causes flu-like symptoms, widespread pain and fatigue. It’s the reason I passed out on stage last week, I pushed myself too hard and my body couldn’t take it anymore.” _

 

Josh notices the slight tightening around Tyler’s eyes when Josh talks about pushing himself too hard. He knows Tyler feels guilty about that. Tyler speaks in the video then.

 

_ “We always want to give our all to our fans, you guys deserve the best,” Tyler says, “We’re still going to do that, even if our shows start looking a little different. Art, creativity, music, they’re how we cope with our struggles. We have to make some changes, slow down a little, so make sure that we still can express, create, and connect with you guys.” _

 

_ Josh nods, “It can be hard to admit that you need help, that you need accomodations. That’s why it’s taken me so long to talk about this publicly. I want our fans to know that there’s no shame in needing help, that you deserve to look after yourself and for others to look after you too. Music has always been my home, and it’s going to stay that way.” _

 

Josh hopes he can believe his own words, about not feeling shame. But he feels lighter for having cleared the air both with Tyler and with the fans.

 

_ “Our video for Not Today comes out later today,” Tyler says, “We hope you enjoy it.” _


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit sex scene ahead, so be warned/you're welcome!

The fan reaction to Josh’s announcement is mostly positive. There’s an outpouring of support, and he gets a surprising amount of messages from fans with fibromyalgia and other chronic illnesses telling him how much it means to them that he spoke out about his illness. It makes Josh feel like it was worth doing, worth exposing himself, if he’s helping other people.

 

Then Josh sees some comments that makes his blood run cold. Fans insisting that fibromyalgia isn’t real, some call him a hypochondriac, and others say that he’s clearly just depressed and needs help. It comes with such vitriol that Josh feels physical pain in his chest.

 

“Josh?”

 

Josh looks up to find Tyler standing in the doorway to their bedroom. 

 

“What’s wrong?” Tyler asks.

 

“Just…” Josh waves his phone, “People being dicks.”

 

‘I’m sorry,” Tyler sighs, coming up to Josh and pulling him into a hug.

 

“Yeah,” Josh breathes, trying to let go of the hurt. He leans into Tyler, taking strength from him.

 

“I was just on the phone with my mom,” Tyler says, “She sends her love and wanted me to tell you that if there’s anything she can do to let her know.”

 

“That’s kind of her,” Josh says.

 

“Mmm,” Tyler agrees, “You feel all tense, can I give you a massage?”

 

Josh almost says no out of habit, but catches himself.

 

“That would be really nice, actually,” Josh says instead.

 

“Great,” Tyler says with a smile, “Take your shirt off and lie down, I’ll get the oil.”

 

Josh lies on his side while he waits for Tyler, trying to clear his head. He startles when Tyler’s hand touches his hip.

 

“Ssshhh, it’s ok,” Tyler whispers.

 

Tyler’s fingertips brush over his waist and up his rib cage. It’s soothing and gentle and Josh buries his face into his pillow with a small happy sound escaping his lips.

 

Tyler pauses and Josh hears the sound of more oil being dripped into Tyler’s hands. Then Tyler is back touching him, firm hands that travel over Josh’s side and then over to his back and chest. Tyler’s hands are hot and the slick oil lets them glide over Josh’s skin without friction. Josh melts. His thoughts calm and drift away and Josh is left peaceful and happy.

 

Tyler guides Josh over onto his stomach and starts massaging Josh’s back. Josh hums contentedly, the sound muffled by the pillow. Tyler runs his hands from the base of Josh’s spine up to his shoulders, and back, long strokes that have Josh squirming with how good it feels. Tyler laughs deeply and Josh smiles at the sound.

 

Tyler pulls at Josh’s sweatpants and underwear and Josh lifts his hips to help. Josh doesn’t think anything about being naked in front of Tyler anymore. It used to be new and thrilling and at the very beginning tinged with anxiety, but now it’s comfortable and almost mundane and Josh prefers it that way. Josh loves the total familiarity he has with Tyler, the safeness.

 

Tyler massages Josh’s legs and it’s bliss. Josh didn’t know he could even get knots in the muscles of his thighs, but Tyler finds them and coaxes them to relax. Josh loses sense of time and drifts in and out of sleep. This sense of peace he has, he’s only ever found with Tyler, when Tyler is touching him and Josh’s ever present pain isn’t at the forefront of his mind. Like this, Josh’s nerves aren’t constantly screaming and his sleepiness is pleasant rather than the draining fatigue he normally contends with.

 

Tyler makes Josh roll over again onto his front. Josh blinks a few times at the light after having his face buried in the pillow. Tyler strandles his hips. Josh looks up at Tyler and takes in the vision that is his boyfriend. Tyler is flushed and his eyes sparkle and he looks happier than Josh has seen him in too long. Josh notices the bulge in Tyler’s pants and wonders how long Tyler’s been hard for. Josh glaces down at his own cock which remains soft.

 

Tyler follows Josh’s gaze and frowns.

 

“I’m sorry,” Josh says, looking away. His cheeks heat. “It’s not that I don’t want you.”

 

“I know,” Tyler reassures him, “I wasn’t trying to make a move or anything, you’re just too sexy for my own good. I just want to make you feel good.”

 

“You are making me feel good,” Josh says, looking back at Tyler. 

 

Tyler smiles and begins massaging Josh’s chest, following the lines of his pecs up into the stubborn knots of muscles that bunch beneath his collar bones.

 

Josh relaxes again and lets his eyes drift closed. Having Tyler on top of him feels good and when Tyler’s oil slick hands rub over his nipples, Josh feels a zing of pleasure. Josh’s eyes snap open.

 

“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” Tyler asks.

 

“No,” Josh says, “Do that again.”

 

“This?” Tyler asks, rubbing the palms of his hands over Josh’s chests again.

 

“Yeah,” Josh breathes, “Feels good. Come here.”

 

Josh puts a hand behind Tyler’s head and pulls him down for a kiss. Tyler responds eagerly.

 

Josh doesn’t know if it’s that he’s relaxed or in less pain than usual or the relief of no longer hiding his illness, but he’s feeling actual, real, arousal and he plans to take advantage of it while he can. 

 

Josh deepens the kiss and Tyler moans into his mouth. Tyler’s hand trails down Josh’s chest and over his stomach. Josh feels his heart speed up as Tyler strokes low, just above his pubic hair, so close to where Josh desperately wants to be touched. Wanting to be touched, isn’t that a revelation?

 

Josh breaks the kiss and rests his head back on the pillow, feeling some strain in his neck. It’s not enough to put a damper on his arousal, but he’d love it if even kissing Tyler didn’t come with some kind of pain. But Tyler is smiling and his lips are red and nothing else matters.

 

Josh flips Tyler over onto his back and Tyler laughs as Josh settles above him. Josh presses messy kisses to Tyler’s neck and Tyler all but melts beneath him. Josh tugs at Tyler’s t-shirt and together they get it off, Josh unable to resist touching each new section of skin he now has access to. 

 

Tyler pants as Josh licks and nibbles his way down Tyler’s torso, his hips jerking when Josh scrapes his teeth over Tyler’s stomach. Josh slips his hands under Tyler’s pants and boxers and slides them down slowly. Josh nuzzles the soft skin revealed, tongue darting out to taste. Tyler gasps.

 

Josh pulls back to get Tyler’s pants and underwear completely removed and Tyler whines before helping. Tyler fully naked, aroused and eager, is a sight to behold. Josh takes a second to drink it all in. The golden skin, Tyler’s long legs, the black ink on his chest and arms. This is his Tyler, the one only Josh gets to see; vulnerable and vital. 

 

Josh runs his hands up Tyler’s legs, thumbs making circles on the soft skin of Tyler’s inner thighs. Tyler’s cock twitches where it lies heavy on Tyler’s stomach. Josh gets to the top of Tyler’s thighs and runs his thumbs along Tyler’s groin, so close, but not yet touching.

 

“Please,” Tyler says, propping himself up on his elbows.

 

“Tell me what you want?” Josh asks in a low voice.

 

“Hand, mouth, rub against me, anything, anything you want, just touch me,” Tyler says in a rush.

 

Josh grins and wraps a hand around Tyler’s cock. Tyler makes a “mmf” sound and bites his lip. Josh doesn’t want to tease him anymore and starts with long firm strokes. He locks eyes with Tyler and feels his heart clench. Tyler looks mesmerized, his pupils wide. Josh leans forward and kisses Tyler, needing to be closer, more connected. Tyler welcomes him, lying back down and burying a hand in Josh’s hair. Josh removes his hand from Tyler’s cock and settles between Tyler’s legs, plastering himself to Tyler. Josh gasps as their cocks rub together. He leans his forehead against Tyler’s and rolls his hips.

 

“Josh,” Tyler whispers.

 

“Yeah?” Josh asks.

 

“Do you want to…” Tyler trails off.

 

Josh pauses, “Do I want to what?”

 

“Fuck me?” Tyler asks, and the softness of his voice belies the harsh phrase.

 

“Are you sure?” Josh asks, lifting up a little so he can read Tyler’s expression.

 

“Yeah, I want to. Do you want to?” Tyler asks.

 

“Yeah,” Josh breathes, “I do. I wanna make you feel good.”

 

Tyler smiles and Josh thinks there might be a touch more pink in his cheeks than before.

 

“There’s lube in the drawer,” Tyler says, nodding to the nightstand on his side on the bed. 

 

Josh wastes no time retrieving it and comes to kneel between Tyler’s legs.

 

“I’m gonna go slow, ok?” Josh says.

 

“Ok,” Tyler nods, “Just so you know, I have- I have tried on myself a few times. With my fingers.”

 

Josh’s stomach clenches with want.

 

“You have?” he asks, “Did you like it?”

 

“Yeah,” Tyler licks his lips. 

 

“I wanna watch sometime,” Josh says, the mental image in his head of Tyler reaching back, pleasuring himself, is almost his undoing.

 

“Yeah,” Tyler says gruffly, and Josh can tell that the thought of Josh watching him is just as appealing.

 

Tyler bends his knees so allow Josh better access and Josh flips open the cap of the lube and squirts it out onto his fingers. He has no idea how much to use but figures that too much would be better than too little. Josh suddenly feels nervous as he reaches for Tyler’s most intimate place. He rubs around the tight muscle with two fingers, hoping to relax Tyler before trying anything. The slick lube warms and starts to feel less foreign and Josh can feel when Tyler is ready. Slowly he slides the tip of his index finger in.

 

Tyler takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly and Josh feels Tyler relax a little. Josh goes further, feeling less resistance. He twists his hand, moving his finger around, coaxing Tyler to relax more. 

 

“Is this ok?” Josh asks, “I’m not hurting you, am I?”

 

“No,” Tyler says breathily, “S’good.”

 

Encouraged, Josh starts to move his finger in and out and then around, wanting to be sure Tyler is ready. Josh watches Tyler closely, and when Tyler’s body loses some of it’s tension he adds a second finger. It’s a tight fit and Josh keeps his fingers close together. Josh slowly massages Tyler, and when Tyler is ready he pushes his fingers in deeper. Tyler moans and grabs Josh’s arm, stilling him.

 

“Did I hurt you?” Josh says, stomach dropping.

 

“No, you-” Tyler pants, “Fuck that feels good.”

 

Josh wiggles his fingers and Tyler clenches around him.

 

“I’ve never- never been able to reach,” Tyler says between breaths, “Didn’t know it felt so good.”

 

“It’s really that amazing?” Josh asks in awe.

 

“Yeah,” Tyler laughs breathlessly, “Gonna come real quick if you keep doing that.”

 

“Do you want to?” Josh asks, “I can just do this, we don’t have to… y’know?”

 

Tyler takes a moment to think and Josh is happy to let him.

 

“Would you mind?” Tyler asks tentatively.

 

“I just wanna make you feel good,” Josh says, using his free hand to stroke Tyler’s leg.

 

“I’m so close, I just wanna-” Tyler doesn’t finish his sentence but he doesn’t have to.

 

Josh moves his fingers again and Tyler lets go of his arm. Josh wraps his free hand around Tyler’s cock and pumps it up and down in time with his fingers. It’s not hard for Josh to find the rhythm, he’s used to his hands doing different things thanks to drumming. 

 

Tyler is a mess before him, panting and groaning and gripping at the sheets. His heels dig into the bed and rocks his hips, trying to get more of Josh’s hand and his fingers all at once. Josh can tell Tyler is almost there, the way his body tenses up and his mouth goes slack. Josh keeps up the tempo and Tyler lets out a long, deep moan as he comes. Josh jacks Tyler through it, but stills his fingers, pressed deep into Tyler as Tyler clenches around them. Tyler’s whole body quivers before he relaxes against the sheets. Josh stills his hand and gives Tyler a few seconds of rest before he slowly pulls his fingers out.

 

“Oh man,” Tyler says, dazed, “That was the best orgasm of my entire life.”

 

Josh beams, pleased that he could make Tyler feel so good.

 

Josh wipes his hands on Tyler’s discarded underwear and lies does next to Tyler, arm and leg over him to hold Tyler close. Josh is still hard, achingly so, and pressed against Tyler’s hip. He could rub off against Tyler, has the urge to, but he’s lost any energy he had and his body feels leaden and sore. Weak.

 

“I’ll get you in a minute,” Tyler says, “I just need to be able to see straight again.”

 

“It’s fine,” Josh mumbles into Tyler’s shoulder. 

 

“I can’t wait until you actually fuck me,” Tyler says, his voice low and dirty.

 

That definitely makes Josh’s cock twitch and he shifts, caught between arousal and exhaustion.

 

“Can I show you what it’s like? Can I put my fingers in you?” Tyler whispers in a gravelly voice.

 

Josh moans. He wants to feel alive again. He wants to feel good. He wants Tyler to erase everything he’s feeling and leave behind only pleasure.

 

Josh nods, unable to find his voice.

 

“Yeah?” Tyler asks, “I’m gonna make you feel amazing. Lie on your back.”

 

Josh does as he’s told, missing the warmth of Tyler’s body. When he hears the Tyler flip open the cap on the lube a hint of nervousness creeps in. This is a completely new experience for Josh, but he trusts Tyler. And he’s just seen first hand how mind blowing it is.

 

“Bend your knees for me?” Tyler asks, and Josh complies, giving Tyler access.

 

The lube is cold and Tyler’s fingers feel too big, but Tyler starts slow like Josh did, just circling his fingers around, not trying to enter him just yet. Josh tries to focus on relaxing but his knees are starting to hurt from being bent and his hips are taking strain too. Josh breathes through it.

 

Tyler presses in gently, just the tip of a finger and it’s new and shocking and sensitive. A little more and it feels good but weird.

 

“Are you ok?” Tyler asks, running his free hand over Josh’s thigh.

 

“Yeah,” Josh breathes.

 

Tyler kisses Josh’s knee and goes deeper. Josh loses focus as the pain in his knees and hips gets worse. 

 

“Yeah, there we go, baby,” Tyler says and Josh doesn’t know what he means until he feels Tyler’s second finger start to enter him.

 

Josh tenses and it  _ hurts _ , a sharp pain that makes his whole body react and the muscles in his right hip go into spasm.

 

“Ow!” Josh cries out, “Ow ow ow.”

 

Josh tries to straighten his leg out to relieve the cramp but Tyler’s fingers in his ass stop him from being able to.

 

“It’s ok, I’m pulling out,” Tyler says sounding panicked.

 

He does it slowly so as not to hurt Josh, which Josh may appreciate once the cramp in his hip eases but right now feels like torture.

 

As soon as he’s free to, Josh straightens his leg. The spasm eases and he’s able to breath again.

 

“I’m so sorry, Josh, I’m so sorry,” Tyler babbles.

 

“Not your fault,” Josh pants, “Hip cramp.”

 

Tyler places his warm hand over Josh’s hip and it helps ease some of the pain.

 

Josh sighs, feeling desolate.

 

“I just wanted to feel good,” Josh says. He’s losing his erection now and he wants to cry. After everything that has happened lately, collapsing on stage, the rumours, having to tell the world the truth, some of the fans telling him that his illness isn’t real, he finally felt like having sex and his body couldn’t even give him that.

 

“I’m sorry,” Tyler says.

 

“Not your fault,” Josh responds.

 

“It is though,” Tyler says, stroking his thumb over Joshs’ hip bone, “I was being selfish. All I thought about was that we were finally having sex again and my own pleasure.”

 

Josh swallows. He doesn’t know how to respond. He appreciates Tyler’s honesty, but it hurts too. He knew,  _ he knew _ , that the lack of sex in their relationship was a problem for Tyler, but hearing it said out loud? Josh prefered pretending that he was just being insecure.

 

“Let me try again,” Tyler says.

 

“It’s alright,” Josh denies.

 

“You’re too damn stoic, Josh, I swear to god,” Tyler huffs.

 

“I’m not trying to be,” Josh says.

 

“I know,” Tyler says. He hasn’t stopped rubbing his thumb on Josh’s hip and it’s soothing. “But most of the time I can’t even tell you’re in pain. I know you are, I  _ believe _ you are, but you don’t show it.”

 

Josh’s breath hitches. He didn’t know how much he needed to hear that Tyler believed him, even though he knew Tyler accepted that he was sick. 

 

“If you’re not in the mood anymore, I totally understand,” Tyler carries on, “But if you want, if you’ll let me, I want to do this for you. There are so many ways I can’t help you, but hopefully I can give you this.”

 

“Yeah, ok,” Josh agrees, the promise of pleasure alluring after all that pain, “I love you, Tyler.”

 

“I love you too,” Tyler says, leaning down to kiss Josh.

 

Tyler takes it slow, they’re basically starting from scratch, and he gently coaxes Josh’s body back into arousal. He keeps his touches gentle, mapping Josh’s body with his hands and his mouth. Josh is able to relax a bit, lie back and enjoy it. 

 

“Did you like what I was doing before?” Tyler asks, “Before your hip cramped.”

 

“A little,” Josh says, “It was different and… when it was just one finger it was good. A little weird.”

 

“I get that, it does feel weird,” Tyler agrees, running his hands down Josh’s side, “Do you want to try again?”

 

“Now?” Josh asks.

 

“If you want,” Tyler says, “No pressure, I just want to know what’s going to make you feel the best.”

 

Josh would be lying if he said he wasn’t intrigued. It had certainly been going in a direction he’d liked before the pain, and the image of Tyler coming completely undone when Josh was doing it to him is burnt into his mind.

 

“The position is difficult for me, lying with my knees bent like that,” Josh explains.

 

“Hmm,” Tyler things, fingertips tracing random patterns on Josh’s stomach, “What if you lay on you side? You could just relax then.”

 

“Yeah, that could work,” Josh says, feeling a little thrill take over him. 

 

“So is that a yes?” Tyler checks.

 

“Yeah,” Josh gives a small smile.

 

Tyler smiles too and kisses Josh again, deep and languid, full of promise as he slips his tongue into Josh’s mouth. He kisses Josh breathless and pulls away with hooded eyes.

 

“Turn over,” Tyler requests, and Josh complies. 

 

Lying on his side doesn’t put stress on his joints and Josh is glad Tyler suggested it. Tyler lies behind Josh, chest plastered to Josh’s back. Josh’s neck rests on Tyler’s bicep, and Tyler bends his elbow so he can put his hand on Josh’s chest and hold him close. It makes Josh feel safe.

 

With more lube on his fingers, Tyler slides them between Josh’s cheeks. Tyler goes even slower than the first time and Josh is grateful. He’s able to really focus on how it feels without the pain in his hips and knees distracting him. It’s better this time and Josh finds himself wanting to push back into Tyler, to feel more.

 

“Yeah, that’s right,” Tyler whispers.

 

Josh is hard and straining and he wraps a hand around himself. It’s one downside about this position, that Tyler can’t jerk him off at the same time, but Josh is hardly complaining. Josh can feel that Tyler is hard again, up against his back, and when he’s ready to take the next step, Josh can see this being his favourite position.

 

“Is this turning you on?” Josh teases.

 

“You know it is,” Tyler says, and Josh can hear the smile in his voice.

 

“Do you want me to do anything?” Josh asks. Even though Tyler has already gotten off, Josh still doesn’t want to leave Tyler unsatisfied.

 

“Don’t worry about me,” Tyler says, “Just let go.”

 

Josh squeezes his cock and tries to do what Tyler said. The weirdness of having Tyler’s finger in him is wearing off and Josh pushes back into it.

 

“You want more?” Tyler asks in a low voice.

 

“Mmm,” Josh answers.

 

“Just tell me if you need me to stop,” Tyler says.

 

This time two fingers feels amazing, and Josh feels full rather than stretched. Tyler is able to go deeper and then he presses on something that makes Josh see stars. Josh groans.

 

“There it is,” Tyler says, sounding proud of himself.

 

“Keep going,” Josh gasps, already addicted to that intense pleasure.

 

Tyler pumps his fingers in and out of Josh and Josh starts jerking himself off in earnest. The pleasure builds quickly and it’s not long before Josh comes, crying out. Tyler keeps pressing into that spot and Josh jerks with the force of his orgasm.

 

Josh goes limps; wrung out by pleasure. Tyler’s fingers touch that delicious spot again and Josh’s cock twitches valiantly. It’s almost a shame when Tyler pulls his fingers out and leaves Josh empty.

 

“Good?” Tyler asks. He presses kisses along Josh’s shoulder.

 

“More than,” Josh says breathlessly.


	18. Chapter 18

It’s both hard and easier than expected to go back to work and perform the last two shows. Josh is still exhausted and sore, but he feels freer. He and Tyler make some changes to the set list, putting in some slower songs that are easier on Josh. It’s getting less difficult for Josh to make the necessary changes and Tyler is nothing but supportive.

 

The first show Josh is more anxious than usual, remembering what it felt like to pass out on stage, the fear and humiliation. Waiting to go on is torture. Tyler notices and hugs Josh.

 

“It’s gonna be fine,” Tyler says, “You can stop anytime you need a break. Please remember not to push yourself too hard. They all know now, so you don’t have to hide when you’re feeling bad.”

 

It’s easier said than done, but Josh is glad Tyler said it nonetheless.

 

The new setlist is definitely a help, and Tyler makes sure to talk a lot in between songs to give Josh more time to rest. There are lots of signs in the crowd supporting Josh, and it warms his heart to know that the fans are on his side. Those few who weren’t, are just that: few.

 

By the end of the night Josh is still exhausted. He still crashes afterwards, is still wracked with pain. But it’s easier. 

 

+

 

The last show is bittersweet. It’s hard to say goodbye. Hard to know that they won’t be on stage for a long time after this. But Josh is glad they are going to get a break, he’s excited to work on new music and the bits and pieces of ideas Tyler has shown him are brilliant. They’re all slower than their usual stuff, and Josh hopes it’s not just because Tyler is trying to make the next tour easier on him. Regardless, Josh loves what Tyler’s worked on already and he can’t wait to see how the new album evolves. 

 

It’s been awhile since Josh has looked to the future with anything other than fear and when he realises that he almost wants to cry he feels so relieved. He was really starting to believe he’d never be anything but terrified of what was to come.

 

Before they play trees for the final time, Tyler surprises both Josh and the audience.

 

“There’s a new song I want to play you all,” Tyler says, having not told Josh of his plan, “I wrote this about a year ago, after Josh got sick. I’m proud of my boy- best friend, for coming out here every night, even though it costs him. Both of us are nothing without music, but Josh pays a price for it. I know that there are a lot of people out there who know first hand what Josh goes through, and I want you all to know how strong you are, there are people out there who love you, this is for all of you too.”

 

The crowd is perfectly silent as Tyler begins to play. Josh can barely hear him over the thundering of his heart. Tyler has never played the song for Josh again, since that first time. Josh had forgotten what it sounded like, forgotten the sadness of the verse, the strength and defiance of the chorus. A year on in his battle with this illness, Josh appreciates even more what Tyler was saying. Fighting chronic illness is an epic battle. It’s a never-ending fight for life, for happiness, for existence. 

 

Josh wipes tears from his eyes and looks out at the audience. Many of them are crying too. There’s a girl at the barrier holding a sign that says “I have fibromyalgia too”. Even from his place on the stage, Josh can see the look on her face. It’s a feeling mirrored in his heart, that all-encompassing joy and pain that  _ finally _ someone knows your struggles, that you’re not alone in your battle. Josh can tell that she’s sobbing, and she’s looking at Tyler like he’s personally reached into the depths of hell to pull her out. Josh can relate and his own tears threaten to overwhelm him.

 

There will be others, those without chronic illness who will relate to the song, Josh knows. And he’s glad, because that’s the whole point of art, for others to use it. Josh wants Tyler’s lyrics to help as many people as possible and everyone is fighting their own demons. But Josh also knows that there is a particular resonance that only people like him will hear. He knows that they need this as much as he does, to have a thing to own, that is theirs, that tells them of their struggles specifically. It’s lonely and desolate, to be trapped in a failing body. To be dismissed, to be told you’re weak. Josh knows that isolation and pain. And he’s never loved Tyler more, to know that he’s giving others like him a chance to be heard.

 

After trees, after they bow for the last time this tour, as they walk off stage, Tyler laughs in Josh’s ear and says, “I almost outed us earlier!”

 

“What?!” Josh looks at Tyler with wide eyes.

 

“I almost called you my boyfriend instead of best friend,” Tyler says.

 

“Jesus can you imagine if you had actually said it?!” Josh says, shaking his head.

 

“Pandemonium for sure,” Tyler agrees, “But would it really be that bad?”

 

+

 

Josh and Tyler host an end of tour party backstage; a way to say thank you to their crew for all their hard work. It’s great to be able to do it, but before he got sick Josh didn’t realise how much of a strain socializing was on the body.

 

“Hey Josh,” Mark sidles up to him, beer in hand, “You’re quiet, you holding up ok?”

 

“I’m fine,” Josh says, and immediately wants to take it back. He wants to tell Mark ‘ _ my head is pounding and my eyes feel like they are being dragged out of their sockets and my whole body hurts and my brain is vibrating and I just want it to stop.’  _ But Mark is smiling and nodding and already walking away and Josh can’t say anything.

 

Josh finds a place away from everybody to sit. He feels woozy with exhaustion. He’s already taken too many trips to the bathroom to just have a break from the noise and the people.

 

“Josh?” Tyler asks. Josh didn’t notice him appearing. “I can tell you’re in a lot of pain.”

 

“Yeah,” Josh nods.

 

“Come on, let’s go,” Tyler says, holding a hand out for Josh to take.

 

“But what about the party?” Josh asks.

 

“Doesn’t matter,” Tyler says with a shrug.

 

Josh takes Tyler’s hand and lets himself be led away. All he wants is to be tucked up in bed in the dark and quiet, with Tyler. And that’s exactly what he’s going to get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very big thank you to everyone who has read this to the end. Thank you to all who have commented, positive feedback really is the best thing a writer can receive and I am eternally grateful!


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